This week has been the craziest week of my life. It is funny how you can want something so very badly and when the reality of it all hits, you aren't sure if you would like to keep it this way or go back to the way it was before. All of those thoughts have run through my mind this week. I wanted another child so badly. And this week, at various times I have had 2, 3, and 4 children at a time.
It was a good week in that it really showed me what would be best for our family. We started out with one child in respite care, then we added another child who will be with us indefinitely, then we added another respite care child for a few hours... all on top of my grandma visiting... and all the children were three years old and under.
I am sure after all of these little ones that it is best for us right now to only have two. The child we have is like a teenager in a baby's body. She has seen so much and knows so much and doesn't really totally know how to act like the small child that she is. And our Austin is having a hard time with all of these changes. He is used to mommy and daddy and Austin... This week we have had three others in the mix as well. I think God used this time to show me that He has a perfect plan and it is best to stick with it. I believe for right now, two is perfect.
I have also wanted a baby so badly. We got Austin at one year and I really want to experience a newborn. While I still want that, things have changed in that arena in my mind as well... I think it is important to love and nurture and guide the children that God has placed with me. Although I still want that baby, I think it may be a little bit down the road for us.
Our new normal for now is a family of four. I love having a little girl. I am so sad to know some of the things she has gone through. More things surface in every situation almost every day. But I know God brought her to us in a very difficult time in her life and I want her to know even if she leaves us that there are families who love her unconditionally and who will guide her even if she doesn't like the guidance.
This is all a much bigger adjustment than I had planned on. I think I thought we would get a baby and I would just adjust to not sleeping... Now I am adjusting to sibling rivalry, sometimes bad language, attitudes and emotions of a little girl. And it has been tough, I'll be honest. I even wondered if I was really cut out for this or if this is what I wanted.
But I want to use this time to make a difference in this child's life. I want her to see Jesus. And I want this to change me for the better as well.
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