Pass or Fail

I remember worrying all through high school and college about whether I passed a test or failed a test. And now it seems, I'm somewhat worried about that again, but this time the test is the lives of my children. It seems a lot bigger.

The kids are having a really hard time getting along. They just aren't used to each other. My daughter isn't totally used to me or my husband, the rules of our house, our schedule, ect. I want to be a good mother and show abundant love to both kids while still having an orderly house with rules and good discipline.

In this, I feel like a failure today. The kids are running wild, there is a lot of defiance going on from both kids actually, and things are pretty much in chaos. I know deep in my heart that things will get better for all of us. It is just going to take time. It hasn't even been a week yet and the earlier part of the week had different kids plus my grandma in it.

Yet for some reason as I sit here, I still feel like a failure. I was in Walmart this morning and the kids were yelling, they weren't obeying. I became one of the moms I used to look at and feel pity for because their kids wouldn't obey. Yes, I fully admit it, I was the one this morning with the super disruptive kids. And I couldn't do much of anything about it.

I am still working really hard on obedience, but for some reason right now, things just aren't clicking. I have spent a lot of time praying for God to show me how to handle these things and how to be consistent yet still loving. It is hard sometimes not to totally lose your cool, and I don't want to do that.

This is a whole new world for me. Each day brings new surprises and challenges, not only with the kids but dealing with the social workers and court systems.

I know that day by day things will get easier. At least I am telling myself they will. God brought us here to this point in our lives for a reason. The verse comes to mind, in Jude verse 22 And on some have compassion, making a difference. I want to have compassion and through it make a difference. So I will press on. Even though the tears may and probably will come, I will keep fighting. I will keep working on love and obedience from the kids. And even though we will still have bad days, I hope to see more good ones.

I don't know what the future holds for our family, whether we will stay a family of four or go back to a family of three. But I can tell you that I am praying much about that future and will continue to do so.