We got some not-so-great news today. The journey to adoption that we thought was over except the court part... isn't actually over. What should have happened, didn't. Now, we are in a longer battle towards the finish. We have been assured that our baby will not be taken from us. And I wish I believed that assurance. But I have seen things fall through. So right now I am terrified.
And a bit angry... Why, you ask? Because in my heart, this child is MY child. He isn't a foster child that I know will leave, this is my forever child of my heart. The thought of losing him makes me want to grieve with all I have, and it makes me angry. Why would someone put us through this?
I don't know the answer besides life isn't always fair and it doesn't always go the way you hope it will. I'm begging for the prayer support of those who know and love us. We go on Thursday to court to hopefully find out what our future holds... I.e. whether there is more court before an adoptive placement becomes a reality, or if we can move on to adoptive placement that day.
In a legal risk adoption situation, until you have adoptive placement, you never know how things will go... It is scary. I'm trying to be transparent in my feelings for people who may be thinking of walking this road. I'm scared. Flat terrified. I can't imagine losing this child. He really is a child of my heart. I love him. Period. Nothing more to say, I love him. I can't watch him walk out my door. I will die. I know I won't literally die, but my heart might die.
Overly dramatic, maybe? But having experienced the loss of a child who we knew was straight foster, I know it is very difficult... And losing a child who is to be yours who you have bonded with? I can't even begin to imagine the feelings of loss.
Our God is a big God. He can walk these waters before us. He already knows the outcome. Knowing all of this, I'm still scared. We keep getting assurances that it will be ok. But we need that paperwork that says he is in your home ONLY to be adopted. Then, it will feel like it is all right to breathe again.
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