"As you know for many of the events in my life I'd made plans and barreled toward what I wanted. But I felt like I was making that journey one little step at a time walking each step God showed me to walk, not taking matters into my own hands and churning towards where I wanted to go. I didn't know where I wanted to go. I was conflicted and chose to believe that being conflicted was right where I needed to be in order for my faith to be put into actions." Page 82, "Choosing to SEE" Mary Beth Chapman
Sometimes "conflicted" is a good word to use for what my life is like right now. On one hand, I am thankful for where we are; on another hand, I am quite overwhelmed with three children three years old and under - with essentially twins, two children, aged one year. My blood pressure at the doctor's office today was 30 points over where it normally sits - at perfectly normal. And I realized that yes, I am very stressed out at the moment. But my God is still in control.
My perfectly controlled life is spiraling out of control. I have no idea what tomorrow holds. And I have no way of knowing. I can't take matters into my own hands, because I have absolutely no control. Kind of a hard place for a control freak to come. I have no control. Saying that to myself over and over really has no ring to it. Not what I want to say or even think for that matter. Yet it is where God has brought me.
And it is good. Good? How? I have three precious blessings from God. Yes, they do make my ordered life chaotic. There are very difficult moments in these days. But here I am, a woman who thought she would never have children, and God has let me touch these little lives each and every day. And it is coming up on Christmas. We celebrate Jesus birth with three little ones - special little ones that God chose specifically for us this year. What an amazing blessing. Yes things aren't always easy, but I am blessed.
And I can choose how I handle it. I can be mad that my "path" I had chosen or thought out for myself if totally different. Even two weeks ago, I had thought that our next child would be about two years away. God has taken us on a different path. And it is His path, and it is a good path. And I am walking in His light, because I can't see the end of this path. But His way is the best way. I have to trust that. If I don't, then I am overwhelmed, can't breathe, can't see, and am frustrated.
Reading this book that I referenced has opened my eyes. God orders my steps, no matter how difficult. He has a path pre-planned. I can choose to complain, or I can be thankful. I want to choose to be thankful. Also, reading this book has shown me with time in our lives is precious. Each moment needs to be special, even the difficult ones. We have no idea when we may breathe our last, when our children may, or when they may no longer live with us (possibly likely in our scenarios). Even the difficult moments in our lives right now are moments that we have actually prayed for - literally prayed for in this case. And I need to be thankful. I am praying over our children today, praying that I can be the mother they need, that they can feel love and peace in our home, that they will come to know Jesus, that they will be calm in situations where fear doesn't need to be present, that they see Jesus in us. That isn't always true of me. And that makes me sad. I want badly to be the mother that these children haven't had the privilege of having. I am blessed to be the mother of three precious gifts. And hard times or not, I am still blessed. I am thankful for something as small as a book to bring this back to the forefront of my mind.
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