I'm going to be brutally honest here. Not super, sappy spiritual, saying all the right things that a "Christian" should say. Forgive me and feel free not to continue reading if you so choose. This is just me, uttering my heart.
These past almost two weeks with three kids have been brutally difficult. First of all, simply learning to have three kids, all with different needs, all mobile, some with FAR more needs than others. Having the intrusion on social workers again. Yes, it is an intrusion sometimes, taking my life away, making me sit and wait and agonize over decisions made that I don't personally necessarily agree with. And mostly, a child who cries literally all day. Wow, I have never experienced it. But I will tell you, it wears on me. Emotionally, physically, spiritually - and unfortunately, I have gotten angry, at God for not making it easy on me this time, at my kids for not behaving, at myself for how I have responded. It's been ugly. And I've been guilty and I've been sad.
I've wondered if we made the right decision. But deep in my heart I know that this time may be meant only for ME to change. And today, I have had many revelations. One, I must treat this child as a baby, realizing that she has never been taught many things a baby has been taught. Expectations on my end must be lowered. It is all right that I am struggling. Many parents throughout time have had days that seemed endless, they have fought tears of frustration, but their children have grown up still as fine young people, and they miss the times when they were small (although maybe not the really hard times). I am also learning that it is fine if I need a break. If I need to run a quick errand while the kids are asleep at nap while my husband is home, and that helps me - then I need to go. I always feel like I have to be the one who is here. But other people are just as capable if not probably more capable than me. Probably most importantly, I have to trust in my God, not myself. Not easy for me. If I can't fix it, I don't want it to happen. I hate being so utterly helpless to fix the problems arising in my own household. Not the "Christian" answer of course, but true if I'm showing perfectly honest.
So in light of these things, I went out today by myself and had some time to think, had some time to change my views on how I am handling things. I'm the one that needs to change. And we have really had a breakthrough. A shower... Who would think of giving a tiny child a shower. Not me. I thought they always did baths. And bath time here has been not a pretty time. So today, I talked about rain showers and standing under them. And... there were no tears at the suggestion, no tears with the water on, no tears the WHOLE shower. Amazing. Really amazing. Thank you Lord for one segment of our day with no tears. Thank you, really, thank you!
Now, each step, each day, I'm going to be thankful for the victories. Those times where my children are all playing and not insisting on sitting with me. The times where there are no tears leading up to mealtime. The times when there are no tears when we go to leave the house, get to a store, have a new person in our home. I'm going to keep praying for times of calm. I'm going to pray for patience and kindness. I'm going to keep taking the breaks I need. I'm going to forgive myself for frustration and pray that I handle it right when I am frustrated. I'm going to realize that each day will get better, some may be worse, but we will all come out better for this. I'm going to grow and change and become a better person. I'm going to apologize for when I have not handled things correctly. I'm going to depend better on the Lord who blessed me with these kids. And I'm going to always be thankful for the small victories. A shower today was my victory!
No comments:
Post a Comment