Gentle reminders in struggles

**** This post may have TMI in it for some people... fair warning...

I am having a rough day. Yesterday was my one year anniversary for my hysterectomy. And last night I was sicker than I have been for a long time and today has been horrible. Some things you just can't imagine prior to going through it. In my case, it is menopause and hormonal imbalance. I have been having horrible migraines lately. So I went off my estrogen/progesterone birth control pill and went on only progesterone. Incredible increase in hot flashes. Wow, those things are not fun at all. Horrible cold chills then hot flash, then cold chills where you freeze because you were so hot previously. Not fun... And if that isn't bad enough, I'm beginning to feel like I am losing my mind. My emotions are out of control. This happened right after surgery when I was on only estrogen. And I thought the progesterone helped. But apparently, my body requires quite the mix of both hormones. I am on try number eight to get this all right. And I'm telling you it isn't right yet.

I hate myself during these times. I get extremely irritable. And I feel like I have lost control of my emotions. It is not a good feeling. Plus the intense tiredness and nausea that has come with these pills for some reason. I haven't been able to eat much in a couple days now.

This isn't what I had pictured when I had the surgery. I thought a year out I would be the picture of health. That is hard to take. I want to be the best mommy I can be. And right now I am struggling to hold it together. I just want to live close to family. I need help right now and it is hard not to have anyone. Thankfully my mom is coming in next week, so if I can just hold out.

Yet, I say all of this, and I'm feeling all sorry for myself, and God comes along and gently reminds me that this isn't that big of a trial really. It seems like it is for me, but I could have it worse. I looked through my blog list today and caught up on one with a family who has a 5 year old with cancer. How hard would that be. I just can't even imagine.

Here I am with two beautiful healthy children. They didn't come the way I thought they would, and yet that makes them even more special. Today has been a hard day with both of them. Neither one feels well, and I don't feel well. So we have had our behavior struggles on all sides today. But they are still happy, and healthy, and here even. Not everyone can say that. Lots of people have lost children. I still have mine (even though we have definitely experienced loss).

So all of this to say, I am struggling a lot, but I am thankful. I hope I can keep this in front of me as I struggle through all of these changes in my body. I am thankful for the gentle reminders God gives me when I feel like I am losing it all together. I am thankful to know that he cares about me even in this.