It's hard to even put into words the range of feelings that have entered my mind this week... We weren't going to tell our little girl that she had to leave until today, but one of the investigators did on Friday. She has been acting out horribly since then. She said she didn't like it here anyway and wanted to leave, she wouldn't miss me at all, and didn't love me. It has been hard to hear... And I think she pulled away from me as much as maybe I have pulled away from her to guard my heart...
She has been so defiant, not wanting to obey, and I'll be honest, that is hard to take, but tonight I found out why she has been behaving this way, and that is even more sad... She is so terrified to have to leave. She has grown comfortable with me, even with things that she was loathe to have me help her with at the beginning. And now, they tell her that "She will be ok, but she has to go." She kept repeating it like a mantra - obviously what they said to her when they told her (They made me leave the room.)
Tonight, she didn't want to sleep. I ended up sitting on the floor in her room holding her while she cried - and I was crying too... She kept saying she would leave but she would come back. And the sad truth is in all likelihood, she won't ever be back. She has settled in here and now she is being ripped out. She repeated the story over and over of the last time she moved. She is just so petrified of going to yet someone else that she doesn't know. And we don't even think we will be allowed to make contact with her.
We have been talking to her about God, Jesus, Sin, God's love, ect. Teaching her Bible songs, teaching her to pray, anything we can to get Bible in her in a short time. She knows so many songs. And she is the first one to mention that we need to pray before we eat. Tonight I explained salvation to her. I asked her if she knew she had done bad things. She said she did. I explained that Jesus died and rose again so that she could go to Heaven someday and that Jesus would live in her heart. I told her the she could talk to Him anytime, when she was sad, scared, happy, anything. She prayed a prayer with me. I'm praying that it was a decision that she truly understood. I pray that one day we will see her again in Heaven.
I pray that we have made a difference. We haven't done everything right during this time. Our humanness totally has gotten in the way at times. But I hope she leaves knowing she was loved. She is definitely taking a piece of my heart with her... She told me I would be ok because I still have Austin, and while that is true, I'm so concerned about her that she doesn't even realize the piece of my heart that will be hers for a very long time if not forever. You can't mother a child totally and just watch them walk away never to return without deep grief.
praying for you all
ReplyDelete