Several people have mentioned that my blog posts have seemed a bit depressed of late - and it is probably true. Losing a child is one of the hardest things I have ever done... And the human side of me is pulling away from her. I don't want to cuddle as much, I don't want to buy special things for her, ect... That makes me sad too, what a horrible human response. It is my emotional way of trying to steel myself for what is ahead. Because I realize I want to do it, I am attempting to do the opposite meaning I am trying to give her love, buy her things that might help her in her life ahead, ect. Please keep praying for us though... This week long grieving process with her still with us has felt like an eternity. If they insist on doing this, we are just ready for it to happen and for us to be able to grieve and move on... I tend to always feel this way, if bad things are coming - especially like goodbyes - I prefer to just get them over with. Another horrible human response to sad things.
On a happy note, I have been bonding with our baby more and more. It is a special time. Most people do that when their baby is hours old not months, but I am just thankful that he seems to be bonding well. He is a mommy's baby, which is kind of fun. Austin is definitely a daddy's boy. He loves me, but prefers my husband over me when he is sick, tired, hurt, even happy. So to have a little boy who wants me is special.
I have also gotten to spend a little time today with just my boys together. And it is so sweet and special. I was feeding the baby and Austin crawled up on my lap and we all sat there together. I cherish these times, thanking God for blessing us with children.
We are all sick right now, which has made for an interesting day. Austin has asthma and has a tendency towards respiratory illnesses that end in croup. So I am praying that isn't the case this time. I have a steroid prescription handy just in case it gets bad. And the baby has a cold too - and he is teething, so it seems worse than it might be.
I experienced my first up all night experience with a baby last night. He was up at 2, 4, and totally awake for the day at 6 this morning... So I have gotten my taste of a "sleepless" night. I love the time cuddling him though, but I admit that I am running on fumes this morning - and I'm not feeling well either, so that doesn't help.
Life is full of ups and downs and I think right now we are experiencing both - losing a child and gaining one at the same time. I thank God for bringing us the baby to ease the loss of our little girl. He knows and His ways are perfect, and I am thankful for that.
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