Love for Our Children

As the days wear on towards the day the we lose our little girl, I am trying to stay happy and positive. I haven't had the heart to tell her yet... I think she will honestly be fine with the change. She hasn't really bonded with us much - probably due to not bonding well as a baby with anyone. It is a normal phenomenon with kids who have been brought up in bad situations. I have determined to pray often for her - and maybe even write her a letter that will stay with her for her to read sometime in the future - to remember that someone loved her and to tell her of Jesus love.

I do think going back to two will be easier for me. My health is much better than it was at this time last year even, but having three kids under three years old has worn on me quite a bit. I am also trying to look forward to giving the baby a nursery. And more importantly having him out our room! I have enjoyed it for a time having him in our room having never experienced that before, but as a light sleeper, I think I will do better with him in his own room. And then we will have a true place for him forged in our home and our family.

I am also interested to see how Austin will do actually being in big brother role instead of middle child role. It has been difficult for him to be a younger brother. He and our little girl haven't meshed well for multiple reasons. They are doing far better than they were a few weeks ago. And I truly think he will miss her. I don't know how you explain to your son that the person who has been here for weeks won't be coming back. It is quite sad.

I am glad to know that God knows where she will be a few years from now. He knows what turns her life will take. And He knows what small part we have played in her life.

I am so appreciative of everyone who is praying for us and has been an encouragement to us during this time. I am so thankful - even more so now - for the family and the children God has given me forever. There are many people who I know that are adopting. And it is such a bond that I can have with them.

I have thought a little bit over the past few days how sad I am sometimes to not have gone through a pregnancy, even labor, having a newborn, even the lack of sleep, ect. I do wish I could have had that experience. But I can't - and I won't - ever. But God has blessed me anyway, in a greater way. I got to CHOOSE my children. And I love them as much as if I had them myself. I am thankful that there are ways for those who can't bear children to still have them. It is a blessing from God! And I am thankful!