Poignant and Pleased

I've been blessed this week to learn that we are moving on in our foster care/adoption process and we are licensed to be foster parents. But as I have said many times before, this knowledge stirs up a multitude of feelings inside me.

Yesterday, we were given an infant car seat, a swing, a baby seat, clothes, bottles, formula, ect from good friends of our, Brett and Andrea. They really furthered our journey so much with these gifts. It allowed us to be ready for a newborns arrival and gave us some things to get started with - all without having to shell out a lot of money. I'm pretty sure they don't realize how touched we were by their gifts.

Having all of these things in my home, however, kind of led to the poignant thoughts of the weekend. I am ready for a newborn. What an amazing thing it will be if God chooses to allow us to have such a small baby even for a time. It is all new to us since we got Austin at a year old, but I am excited none-the-less about having a baby. It is just hard to wait. And I am still struggling a lot with the feelings of fear regarding having to give the baby up.

I know someone who fosters newborns and has had to give babies up, but has also gotten to adopt some of the babies that she fostered. She told me that it helps just to really think about the fact that God will bring the baby along that is right for you to adopt, and the other babies are just ones that you are helping out a little during their walk through this life. That thought has helped me. I don't want a baby that I choose, I want the baby that GOD chose for me.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. And I think much of how God gave up His own Son to die for my awful sin. Giving up a child and the feelings that go with it is something that God is intimately connected with. He promises that He won't give me more than I can handle. I have to rest in that. And when or if the time comes to give up our baby, I will have to remember that God has done this way before I have and He really does understand. I am thankful that He gave His Son so that I could live in Heaven forever. I hope that we can always pass this knowledge on to the children in our homes so that they then can pass it on to those that they encounter throughout their lives.

I am praying much for our next child. And I am trying to be patient. Patience isn't one of my strong suits. It is funny how much you can want something and how scared it can make you at the same time. That is the boat I find myself in now - really, really badly wanting a baby, but scared of having that baby at the same time.

I am choosing right now to cherish this uninterrupted time with my son, knowing that it will change with another child. And since it is Easter weekend, I am also reflecting on how thankful I am for God's precious gift of His Son that has saved me from a life of sin and darkness so that I can live in Heaven for eternity instead of burning in Hell.