Sometimes you know the right things to say in a difficult circumstance, but those same things you know are right are also really hard to hear and even harder to believe. I am having another rough day - one in a string of many now. We lost another child today. Thankfully, we didn't hear about him until last night. But we still were thinking and planning just in case we were chosen to have him live with us forever. We weren't.
I'm so very tired of the ups and downs of adoption. I know with my head that God has the perfect child and situation for us. But in my heart, I am tired of being disappointed, I am tired of waiting. Yes, I suppose all of this sounds rather un-Christian of me. But it is how I feel right now. Disappointment is a part of the adoption process; it just feels like we have had more than our share of it this time around.
I am trying to focus on the positive and cherish the alone time with Austin. But I am still confronted often with news of possible babies or children for us. It is so hard not to hope. I wish I could turn that switch off in my brain. But I can't. So here I am again, crushed with the reality that the child we dreamed of yesterday is not our child of today.
I am telling myself the appropriate things - everything in God's time, He has the perfect child, waiting is not bad, ect. ect. However, right now, those things aren't really very comforting. I'm just sad. I'm tired of hurting. I'm ready to have another child.
Yes, again I have a sad post. One of these days they will be happy. But if I'm honestly writing about my feelings - this is where they are right now. So I still would covet prayers for my emotional state. And hopefully in the next few days I will go back to really believing that we will be blessed with the perfect child that God has for us truly in His time.
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