Still waiting

No news to share yet on our adoption front. Our foster license still has not been changed to reflect that we want to foster newborns. So right now, we are taking it one day at a time, praying that maybe this week will be actually hear that the license has been changed and then that we will hear that we have been chosen to foster or adopt a child.

It has been a rough few weeks for me since losing the baby. I think that I assumed that this wouldn't hurt so much. But it hurts a lot more than you might think. I am glad right now just to make it through each new day. I decided to write this blog to capture my thoughts and feelings through this adoption process. But I haven't written anything for a few days because I just haven't had anything positive to say.

I actually have written several things and gotten rid of them. But if I am truly keeping this as a journal of my thoughts and feelings, then this time in my life matters too. It matters that my heart still yearns for a baby. And it matters that I think often of the baby that we don't have with us. I think of how old he might be and what milestones he might be coming up on.

I have tried to make it a point to be thankful for what I do have. But sometimes I look at Austin and just think of how social he is and how wonderful it would be for him to have a sibling.

I know deep down that this is all in God's perfect plan. His timing is better than my timing. And He has the perfect child chosen for us. But even that knowledge sometimes doesn't take away the hurt. It is funny how sometimes you can get an idea in your head and that idea takes hold and it is really hard to let go of. It has kind of been that way for me with the idea of a baby. I really want to experience a baby just once. I don't mind if we adopt later on and we adopt older kids again. But this time, I really want a very small baby.

I think God knows that. I am trusting Him to bring us the right child. And I know that if it isn't a baby, that I will still know that God is in it, and it will be alright.

It really has been a rough few weeks for me. But even in them, I am thankful for how God is working. I am thankful for my husband and son. I am thankful for the things that I am learning through this process. I pray that God will bring my heart's desire to pass soon. But even if He doesn't, I am thankful for Austin and the joy he brings into our lives each day.

I am thankful for supportive friends. And I am thankful for the prayers that I know people are uttering on our behalf. God is in this process. I am just learning patience - which I have never been very good at!