Looking Ahead - 2012

2012, wow. Crazy to think that we have come this far! I remember being in high school, thinking I'll never get married, I'll never have kids, ect. Yes, well, here I am married, and have had five children through my home this year. This year is a good one to look back on. I have had relatively good health, thankfully, NO surgeries. After 12, that is quite a praise to make it a year with none! And we have two forever little boys. There is no bigger praise than that. Nothing more can really be said, but that God has blessed us more than we deserve. And I am so thankful for them. I am thankful for the gift of being Mommy. I am not always very good at it. But He has blessed me with the time to try, the lives to mold into men for Him. Looking back, thinking I would never have my own children, and now I have three - two of them forever! Thank you, Lord! Really, nothing more needs said, but we are blessed!

I always get a bit reflective on New Years' Eve wondering what next year will hold. And of course, this year, the same questions are in my mind. But this time last year, we only had one little boy. We have gone from one child to three! Who knows what the next year will bring! Maybe I should be scared. We grew exponentially this year! You can't be a foster parent without wondering what the future holds. I wonder it every day. But definitely on the dawn of a new year. We hope and we pray, but we really don't know until we walk the road that this year holds.

I pray that this is the year that my children learn more about God, about being real, about growing in Him. I have hope that they will be saved at an early age. And I also pray that they will absolutely understand deeply what it means to have a relationship with Jesus, a real one. I pray that this year I will exhibit this for them, that they will know that their Mommy loves Jesus. So much for a parent to realize is their responsibility. We are shaping little lives helping point them towards their Savior. May I do my job well!

I pray for health for my children and my husband and I. We have walked the road of illness with each child. It is not a road that I would like to travel again, so definitely good health is on my wishlist for the new year!

I pray for peace in our household. I hope that we continue to learn how to develop the personalities of each of the children, that we teach them to obey, that they learn to get along with each other and with us as their parents, that calmness with reign in our household for the most part. That may seem to be a strange wish, but bringing children into your home that come at 9 months, 1 year, or even closer to 2, means that they already have personality traits, and even some values, that have to be melded into the household. And it is not always peaceful. I pray for peace.

I pray for safety for each of us as we have no idea what the future holds. I pray that we will look back at the end of 2012 and have as many good memories of that year as we do of this year. I pray that we will add more to our family by adoption. I also pray that we will know when to quit LOL. I pray that my children will have truly grown in knowledge, and stature, and in favor with God and with man.

We have been given three little gifts for now. I hope that we can be all to them that they need. The parents that they haven't experienced appropriately in their short lives. I pray that even though they know they are adopted, that they will be utterly secure in our love for them and that they will know that beyond everything else in this world that we love them more than life itself and are eternally thankful that they have been brought by God to us. It is amazing to think of the circumstances that have brought each child to our lives. Now may we be worthy of the gifts we have been given.

Christmas Miracles

Christmas Day! I hadn't quite been feeling very Christmasy just because of the adoption and getting through all of that. But last night my husband put up our tree and we decorated it after the kids were in bed. To see their little faces light up when they saw it was priceless.

We are generally with family for Christmas, but this year for many reasons, we had decided not to travel. I'm glad for the decision. It is wonderful to begin to make traditions with our kids that we can use for many years to come. We certainly hope we can spend time with family during the holidays, but a quiet Christmas with just our kids was very, very nice. The kids enjoyed their presents, our oldest of course more than the babies. We read them the Christmas story and then they opened their presents. And we ended the morning ritual with cinnamon rolls for breakfast! We did make a traditional Christmas dinner just on a smaller scale, and that was nice.

It's been a relaxing day, but one of reflection as well. This time last year, we had no idea what our lives would hold this year. Now we have two little boys now and a little girl. We have gone through our second adoption, which is amazing. And all in all we are completely, totally blessed.

Thinking much about how Mary must have felt, holding her baby in her arms for the first time. She knew He would be great. What a feeling I'm sure. And from Joseph's perspective, he adopted Jesus and loved Him as his very own. We are trying to teach our kids that this is the true meaning of Christmas. A baby who came to earth to save us all from our sins! What a big responsibility that baby had. And He of course fulfilled it.

I pray that my children will be all that God wants them to be in the coming years. I pray that their little feet will take them into places where they can most shine Christ's glory and show His love to all they encounter. We have been given a great privilege to raise these special, precious children. And above all, we want them to understand that they have a need of a Savior. And then that they will grow up in wisdom, and in stature, and in favor with God and man.

ADOPTION DAY!

"It is therefore adjudged that the male child born August 11, 2010, in Pensacola, Florida, is the legal child of his parents and is their legal heir at law. He is therefore entitled to all of the rights and privileges and subject to all of the obligations of a child born to the Petitioners. It is further adjudged that the child shall be given a new lawful name, by which he shall be known hereafter."


Today, December 22, 2011, was the best day we have had since May 27, 2011, when our precious baby boy came into home. We have had a son for almost exactly seven months - however, today, he has taken our name. And for that, we are supremely thankful. As my husband aptly said, "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given." And it does make one think of the awe that Mary and Joseph must have felt holding their baby in their arms for the very first time. Amazement, joy, awe, thankfulness, with a couple choked up throats and wet eyes thrown in.

We have had such a team of people praying for us, loving us, listening to us, encouraging us, and even coming to our adoption to support us. These people are the people who have made helped make our dreams come true. Without you, and a HUGE God we would not have had this day in our lives. Our God has given us the best Christmas present that I could have ever asked for. And we are blessed.

Our judge was so kind and thoughtful. He said he would even be "honored" to have his picture taken with us. Wow, that was amazing. (Especially after our last adoption experience when the judge could have cared less.) This judge has had our baby boy from the beginning in his court room. And so he knows the full story and is so happy for us that it seemed to just radiate from him. He hugged me, shook my husbands hand and made over the boys. That was so nice. He gave us the biggest blessing today signing his name to the above decree making us a forever family of four.

I have no more worries. Our baby is ours forever! Forever, wow, that is an amazingly wonderful word! I'm so beyond happy today, although a bit tired coming down from the adrenaline high :). I am thankful for my friends who drove here from California to be with us, a friend who brought all three of her kids, our friend who thought she would be adopting today, our social workers and guardians, all of those who made this journey a reality. We love you all.

And baby boy, you are loved, you are special, you have our name, and all the rights and privileges of anyone born into our family. For us, these words just make us smile. You have had our hearts for seven months, now you have our names and you are our heir. Thank you for being in our home. Thank you for being our little boy. Now not only are you a child of our heart - you are a child who bears our name!

Celebrating

So many emotions going through me tonight. Two more days and our precious baby will be ours. And there are many, many reasons why I am thankful. Some reasons may be ones that no one has ever considered...

1. He will be OURS - our last name, his birth certificate says our name
2. No social worker visits each month
3. If he is sick, we can take him to the doctor without calling anyone to tell them what was said.
4. No one can tell us how things will be working with our child, he will be in our family and we will always know what is going on.
5. He will never, ever leave our house without one of us - we won't have to hand him over to social workers for visits.
6. When I call the doctor, both my boys will have the same last name.
7. We GOT to choose his name - that is a big deal :)
8. We can give him our belief system without anyone regulating if and where he goes to church.
9. If we need things for him, we depend on no government systems, we are free to take care of him ourselves.
10. We are free to cut his hair (yes, really.)
11. If he is sick, and needs to sleep in our room for one night, it is perfectly legal to choose to do that because he is our son.
12. I no longer have to carry around a care and custody letter giving me permission to even have him in my car let alone get him treated for things
13. I can choose if he needs mental health services and no one even will suggest them (and he doesn't)


You may think these are silly things, but in my world, they are things to celebrate. Yes, we become even more ultimately responsible for our child with no one there for back up, but that is what parents are, responsible for their kids. Totally and completely. They don't have to worry about losing their permission slip as it were. They just care for the child. Being a foster parent, this really is a big, big deal. People have asked why we were pushing so hard to adopt before Christmas. Well, a multitude of reasons. My biggest being peace of mine. He is OURS. Really and truly ALL OURS. That is a big load off of my mind. I don't have to worry if he gets sick again, I can just take care of him. Also, can anyone really disagree that a baby forever is not a precious, wonderful, blessed Christmas gift? Who wouldn't want that? It does mean we will celebrate his adoption close to Christmas every year, but that is totally ok by me.

Answering to people for your children gets a bit old. Just being honest. I wanted my blog to show our journey. This is part of the journey. Having your child be only your child is reason to smile. For real! I'm so thankful for my baby boy. I love him beyond measure. And introducing him to the world as our child with our last name is going to be amazing!

Christmas Miracle!!

Today, we got our Christmas miracle - we get to adopt our precious baby boy on December 22 - that is THIS Thursday! We are so happy and excited. We could feel our friends prayers today as we traveled safely and in good time to get our paperwork, and we got it filed at the court house with basically no glitches. We are for sure headed to the court house on Thursday at 1:15 to add another baby boy to our forever family. And that, my friends, is the greatest Christmas miracle in our lives currently.

We are also seeing great changes in our little girl. She is learning to play, starting to laugh, and generally seeming to feel better about her life as she knows it now. That, in itself, is in fact a miracle, speaking of miracles. This has been a transformation to watch, and not really an easy one. But it is definitely wonderful to watch her grow and blossom, to learn and grow, to begin saying more words, to learn to be helpful, and enjoy life and her family.

God has been good to us - we have children forever - ones we never thought we would have. We are anticipating Christmas as a family of five, and yes, my shopping is completed. We have loving family and great friends, and this year we can tell all three of children about the baby who came in a manger who ended up Saving us all. That is a precious gift.

Praying for A Christmas Miracle

I'm sitting on the couch while the kids are asleep being totally overwhelmed with life knowing that my God is in control, of whatever happens - the way I want it to or not. But sometimes that truth is hard to swallow. I want what I want when I want it. Not appropriate I know, but the truth none-the-less.

We are tentatively - and I do mean very tentatively - scheduled to adopt our precious baby boy number two on Thursday. But we hadn't heard anything from the lawyer by yesterday. So I ended up calling her. Thankfully she did our first son's adoption, so she knows us. She had JUST gotten our paperwork and had two other people in front of us. So she said she wasn't sure if we would get done with the adoption next week or not. Of course, the adrenaline kicked in and my husband and I started trying to decide what to do. He called the lawyer back and asked her what we could do to help her out.

She said we could come to her town, about an hour away from us, and pick up the paperwork, bypassing the mail service, which cuts days out of the process. So we decided to do that. We were supposed to do that on Friday (tomorrow). However, today she called and said there was a problem with the paperwork that had to be corrected, which couldn't be done until tomorrow.

So we have a new plan, it is a tight one in the schedule of this adoption process. But we are traveling to the town on Monday with all three kids, having to be there by 8:30 - and it is an hour away. We are picking up the papers, having it notarized (thankfully the Lord allowed us to find a notary quickly there that is willing to go the extra mile for us), drive it back to the lawyer to be completed, drive it to the Pensacola court house and file it - making sure the correct judge is on the paperwork so that we are assured a spot on the docket. Yes, makes me tired just to type it.

But, I am seeing it all as a Christmas miracle - giving us a Christmas blessing - a precious baby boy number two to make us a forever family of four. That my friends, is truly an act of our Creator God! My precious babies, born to another birth mother, given to me under sometimes the most intense circumstances, everything working out literally down to the minute to grow our family by one more.

Today has been a day of up and down emotions. It started out a lot on the stressful side trying to figure out how to get these papers file with the court, and the kids were quite loud this morning as well, a lot of crying. But as the day progressed, things got better. We figured out our day Monday, still praying it all works out. And the kids did very well today.

In fact, it is the best day I have had in literally almost a month. And I am thankful. It gives me hope. It makes me see light at the end of what felt like a dark tunnel. My three children played together for the first time today. All giggling and enjoying each other with no crying or quarrels. These are the priceless moments in my journey - literally making up for a few of the moments where the tears come for me.

A few other amazing things happened today. Maybe, if they pan out, I can share them in the future. For now, though, please continue to pray for us in all things. Our lives are taking turns we never expected them to take. For now, we are concentrating on Monday then Thursday and then Christmas (Which reminds me that maybe I should go shopping for present for the kids :) I do have a couple, but...)

Adoption is one of the best things to enter my life. God has blessed us immensely. And I am thankful and early watching how things will turn our in the next few days, a play that only our God can orchestrate.

Learning Times

This has definitely been a week of learning for me - learning parenting techniques never before used in our home, learning to juggle three children instead of two - two the same age almost, learning to find quality time for each child, learning to juggle household chores during hours while my husband is at work, learning to rely on the Lord instead of me. This last one, probably the most important of all, and maybe the reason for this week of learning.

Sometimes, when you get a child and haven't had them all their lives, it is hard to know what shapes their action and behaviors. As you learn little bits of the puzzle, things become clearer and you have a better idea of how to teach the children. But it is still a long, sometimes painful process for the parent trying to be compassionate but still guide the child in the way they should appropriately go.

I am thankful this week for friends, I have had so many just listen to me, a few bring me supper, some come over to just be with me and give me adult conversation. I am thankful so much for that. I am thankful for people who care about me, even when I appear to be falling apart emotionally. I am thankful for people who don't judge when my life is going crazy and I'm not appearing to be at all in control.

I'm trying to pay attention to these lessons that God is trying to teach me. I'm trying to learn them as they come instead of pass them by so that I have to learn them a harder way later. Control seems to be a big issue for me. I want always for things to go my way, in my time. That isn't happening in our lives right now. I am living on someone else's schedule and really have no say in the matter. Hard lesson for me, but a good one. Giving it all to God knowing that He can work it all out - and it is better His way than mine.

I'm thankful for my oldest boy who is being such a big helper. I'm thankful for the fact that he IS potty training. I'm thankful that he is learning obedience - not always doing it, but beginning to learn. I'm thankful for our baby boy who I pray is adopted in just 12 short days. I am thankful for his sweet spirit and for making me smile. The more we learn about his past, the more I can't even imagine how he is so calm and sweet-spirited. So I am thankful that God has allowed this to be his precious personality. I am thankful for the bonding my boys are showing, seeing them want to be with each other, hating it when the other is still sleeping, finding them in a room just playing together. These are moments I want to cherish and remember.

No More Foster Care

Today is a fabulous day for my family! Baby boy is on his way to being ours forever. Today, we signed the papers moving him from foster care to adoptive placement. That was wonderful. We saw the name we had chosen for his forever name in writing. We signed our names accepting him into our family forever (and accepting to be told of any future siblings, if they would need homes - a part most people don't know comes with foster care adoption).

It gives me chills to know we are this far into the process. We have seen God work. And I am thankful. I am so thankful for this precious baby boy who has blessed our lives from the day he came into our home. I am crying as I write this just thinking of how far he has come and how much he has changed our lives and given us so much joy.

This baby boy came into our home on May 27, 2011. We got in the car 2 hours after he came home and drove 17 hours to Ohio to see my family. And he was fine. We drove home 10 days later, and he was fine. He has done so well. His adjustment was so easy. His personality is so happy. He doesn't cry unless he is hurt or really, really needs something. He is independent, wanting to play on his own as long as he gets hugs here and there in between. He is a light in our world, always making us smile as he walks through life with utter joy. This baby is precious.

I think of the times that I wish I could be pregnant, but looking at this baby boy, I know that God chose him for us. No other child would fit into our family so well. What a blessing to know that out of thousands of babies in orphan homes or foster care at home or around the world, God chose THIS baby for us.

I think, now that is Christmas, how Mary must have felt. Having her baby specifically "chosen" for her. I know that I can't compare myself to Mary in any way. Yet, my children have been specifically chosen for me. And I am blessed. I can't wait to be able to announce our baby boy's name to the world - using MY last name as his - knowing that he will then have the rights, privileges, and responsibilities of any child who bears our last name.

We still have a few hurdles to cross. Our paperwork has to get to the State's lawyer, she has to process it, send it to us for signatures, get it back and send it to the court - all before December 20 if we want to adopt on December 22. So we have specific prayer requests there.

But our God is great. He has brought us this far. I have no doubt that He can move this mountain as well. Our precious baby boy is one of the biggest blessings to date in my life. I will forever remember this experience a great one - even with the hurdles that were crossed because Lord willing, on December 22, I will forever have two boys who carry my last name, who know that they have forever families, who have no worries about not being loved and cared for, who will have family until we are taken from this life. We are blessed. I say that a lot. But it is true. This baby boy is one I will forever be thankful for - a precious gift at Christmas-time. Thank you Jesus!

Light

My babies are sleeping, all is quiet. Things are looking up. We have made many small baby steps that make me see a future of peace and calmness that has been missing a bit in the past two weeks. Thinking outside of the box has become more of the norm for me. And that is ok. It has been a hard two weeks, but I am learning so much.

I was talking to a friend yesterday who has gone through many trials with her almost year old baby that she waited many, many years to have. And she said, you know, as much as you love and cherish your child (or children), it is still hard. And you don't always want to be thankful. You don't want people's encouragement. You just want to be sad. And that is true. To say that these past two weeks have been easy would really be a lie. But we also discussed perspective and how you change that and find the joy in the small things.

That is what I am trying to do. Each thing we do that doesn't result in tears, each time I can sit for a moment while my kids all play, each time they really get along, each time they obey right away. These things are good. Changing me is what is making the difference. God showing me that I have to step away from "ME" and look at "Him." Those are the moments that I am choosing to be thankful for and to see joy in.

I am tired. I will admit that. And I have been overwhelmed. But I am learning time management. I am actually doing my laundry and putting it away in the same day. For those who know me, they are probably shocked at this revelation. I am learning to take my moments of quiet and use them to my advantage, take a short nap, read a little bit, do my devotions, make a quick call - all taking care of myself a bit too.

Baby steps may not seem like much to anyone else, but to me, they are priceless moments of seeing light at the end of a tunnel. Knowing that I didn't have to go back in and soothe my child to sleep. Knowing that someone was here and I was free to chat for a moment without interruption of crying. Making dinner and having a moment to chat with my husband. These are baby steps that are like leaps and bounds in my world.

I am hoping that I am able to sleep a bit better. Three children has really caused my back to scream in agony from all the bending, lifting, ect that goes on in my day. So at night, I feel it. Sleep is welcome. But if not, that is ok. Things are still looking up. We may have bad times in our days, but the good times are a welcome relief. I am thankful for God walking with me. I am thankful for those encouraging me to go on. I am so glad for friends like mine mentioned above, who let me be honest about how things are going without sugar coating it. I am thankful for Godly women who check in on me daily or weekly to give advice or remind me of their prayers.

We are figuring things out. And we will continue to do so. Not everything that works for us may be the orthodox way to do things, but that is all right. Teaching my kids that they can have peace, love, and safety in the a home is a big part of my job right now. Showing them Jesus - who casts out fear is a privilege. Helping them learn the milestones of their ages is rewarding. So these are the things I choose to focus on - and while I do that, I pray for good sleep :)

Thankful for Tables, Nap time, and Christmas lights

I have decided that I am living right now from nap time to bed time LOL with lots of food in between. I think about my day in these terms - Kids wake up, get dressed, EAT breakfast, EAT snack, NAPTIME!!!!, EAT snack, EAT supper, and the BEDTIME!!! And I am learning to cherish the quiet time. And I am thankful for good sleepers!

Heaven forbid that we have something that interrupts said schedule - like me having to run with all 3 kids the the WIC office tomorrow :). But never fear, we get all of those eating and sleeping times in each day - especially the eating. I am wishing a bit that it was light outside longer so that we could enjoy being outside more each day, but it is dark here by 5 pm so when the kids get up from their naps they don't have long to play outside.

I decided to make today's post a bit lighter after yesterdays. I did manage to get two of the kids to church today. Austin had a high fever last night so we decided to keep him home. I will admit that church with "twins" was a bit on the interesting and exhausting side for mommy. But we made it and I was refreshed to have time in church - even though I came home exhausted.

I have decorated the inside for Christmas mostly, no tree yet. Not sure when we will be attempting that. I put lights up on a huge wrought iron piece that I have above the table. And, my table, by the way, is a wonderful thing. We sold our round, glass topped, four chair bistro table, and bought a square, oak table with six chairs and a bench. Having space on the table for all of our meal times is WONDERFUL! Really :)

I'm learning how to work my schedule with three kids, learning that the laundry has to be done a lot more, dishes the same, and we are keeping our house far more orderly than we used to. I am enjoying that part! I have also figured out that doing my work for my job might as well not happen until the kids go to sleep because I don't get much accomplished. So later at night you will find me sitting on the couch working as quickly and efficiently as possible.

I am thankful for my three blessings. I am thankful for the lessons God is teaching me through this experience. I am learning to not be as me focused. And that isn't a bad thing. On a serious note, I have had a friend lose her baby recently, and reading her blog last night just made me remember how blessed I am, even if I am overwhelmed. She would probably wish to have screaming children and a dirty house. So I am going to be thankful. And today, like yesterday, I am celebrating the victories - I made it to church, all the way through church. We are getting a schedule figured out. I am focusing my expectations and zeroing in on priorities. I am thankful for things like tables, and nap times, and friends who redirect my thinking, for a husband who puts up with me and is a huge help. I'm thankful for Christmas lights and Christmas music. And that this year, for a time, God has blessed me with three blessings.

And I am praying that blessing number three (technically came at number two, but is the youngest, so now is three - confusing huh?) gets officially adopted this month. We have been finger printed and are praying those come back quickly. Then we will pray we can get a lawyer to get us a court date this month so that the name we have chosen for baby boy will be his officially and forever! That is a Christmas present that far exceeds anything that I have been given. He will be 16 months old at that point and we will have had him for about 7 months. Definitely praying for that being my Christmas present this year - that's all I really need, that and daily small victories with baby girl :)

A Shower, Really? - A Huge Victory in Our House

I'm going to be brutally honest here. Not super, sappy spiritual, saying all the right things that a "Christian" should say. Forgive me and feel free not to continue reading if you so choose. This is just me, uttering my heart.

These past almost two weeks with three kids have been brutally difficult. First of all, simply learning to have three kids, all with different needs, all mobile, some with FAR more needs than others. Having the intrusion on social workers again. Yes, it is an intrusion sometimes, taking my life away, making me sit and wait and agonize over decisions made that I don't personally necessarily agree with. And mostly, a child who cries literally all day. Wow, I have never experienced it. But I will tell you, it wears on me. Emotionally, physically, spiritually - and unfortunately, I have gotten angry, at God for not making it easy on me this time, at my kids for not behaving, at myself for how I have responded. It's been ugly. And I've been guilty and I've been sad.

I've wondered if we made the right decision. But deep in my heart I know that this time may be meant only for ME to change. And today, I have had many revelations. One, I must treat this child as a baby, realizing that she has never been taught many things a baby has been taught. Expectations on my end must be lowered. It is all right that I am struggling. Many parents throughout time have had days that seemed endless, they have fought tears of frustration, but their children have grown up still as fine young people, and they miss the times when they were small (although maybe not the really hard times). I am also learning that it is fine if I need a break. If I need to run a quick errand while the kids are asleep at nap while my husband is home, and that helps me - then I need to go. I always feel like I have to be the one who is here. But other people are just as capable if not probably more capable than me. Probably most importantly, I have to trust in my God, not myself. Not easy for me. If I can't fix it, I don't want it to happen. I hate being so utterly helpless to fix the problems arising in my own household. Not the "Christian" answer of course, but true if I'm showing perfectly honest.

So in light of these things, I went out today by myself and had some time to think, had some time to change my views on how I am handling things. I'm the one that needs to change. And we have really had a breakthrough. A shower... Who would think of giving a tiny child a shower. Not me. I thought they always did baths. And bath time here has been not a pretty time. So today, I talked about rain showers and standing under them. And... there were no tears at the suggestion, no tears with the water on, no tears the WHOLE shower. Amazing. Really amazing. Thank you Lord for one segment of our day with no tears. Thank you, really, thank you!

Now, each step, each day, I'm going to be thankful for the victories. Those times where my children are all playing and not insisting on sitting with me. The times where there are no tears leading up to mealtime. The times when there are no tears when we go to leave the house, get to a store, have a new person in our home. I'm going to keep praying for times of calm. I'm going to pray for patience and kindness. I'm going to keep taking the breaks I need. I'm going to forgive myself for frustration and pray that I handle it right when I am frustrated. I'm going to realize that each day will get better, some may be worse, but we will all come out better for this. I'm going to grow and change and become a better person. I'm going to apologize for when I have not handled things correctly. I'm going to depend better on the Lord who blessed me with these kids. And I'm going to always be thankful for the small victories. A shower today was my victory!

Ordered, no. Chaotic, yes. Still - very blessed

"As you know for many of the events in my life I'd made plans and barreled toward what I wanted. But I felt like I was making that journey one little step at a time walking each step God showed me to walk, not taking matters into my own hands and churning towards where I wanted to go. I didn't know where I wanted to go. I was conflicted and chose to believe that being conflicted was right where I needed to be in order for my faith to be put into actions." Page 82, "Choosing to SEE" Mary Beth Chapman

Sometimes "conflicted" is a good word to use for what my life is like right now. On one hand, I am thankful for where we are; on another hand, I am quite overwhelmed with three children three years old and under - with essentially twins, two children, aged one year. My blood pressure at the doctor's office today was 30 points over where it normally sits - at perfectly normal. And I realized that yes, I am very stressed out at the moment. But my God is still in control.

My perfectly controlled life is spiraling out of control. I have no idea what tomorrow holds. And I have no way of knowing. I can't take matters into my own hands, because I have absolutely no control. Kind of a hard place for a control freak to come. I have no control. Saying that to myself over and over really has no ring to it. Not what I want to say or even think for that matter. Yet it is where God has brought me.

And it is good. Good? How? I have three precious blessings from God. Yes, they do make my ordered life chaotic. There are very difficult moments in these days. But here I am, a woman who thought she would never have children, and God has let me touch these little lives each and every day. And it is coming up on Christmas. We celebrate Jesus birth with three little ones - special little ones that God chose specifically for us this year. What an amazing blessing. Yes things aren't always easy, but I am blessed.

And I can choose how I handle it. I can be mad that my "path" I had chosen or thought out for myself if totally different. Even two weeks ago, I had thought that our next child would be about two years away. God has taken us on a different path. And it is His path, and it is a good path. And I am walking in His light, because I can't see the end of this path. But His way is the best way. I have to trust that. If I don't, then I am overwhelmed, can't breathe, can't see, and am frustrated.

Reading this book that I referenced has opened my eyes. God orders my steps, no matter how difficult. He has a path pre-planned. I can choose to complain, or I can be thankful. I want to choose to be thankful. Also, reading this book has shown me with time in our lives is precious. Each moment needs to be special, even the difficult ones. We have no idea when we may breathe our last, when our children may, or when they may no longer live with us (possibly likely in our scenarios). Even the difficult moments in our lives right now are moments that we have actually prayed for - literally prayed for in this case. And I need to be thankful. I am praying over our children today, praying that I can be the mother they need, that they can feel love and peace in our home, that they will come to know Jesus, that they will be calm in situations where fear doesn't need to be present, that they see Jesus in us. That isn't always true of me. And that makes me sad. I want badly to be the mother that these children haven't had the privilege of having. I am blessed to be the mother of three precious gifts. And hard times or not, I am still blessed. I am thankful for something as small as a book to bring this back to the forefront of my mind.

Six Months!

Yesterday, we have had our precious baby boy for six months. Amazing how time flies! He has done so well, adjusted well, fit in well, just all around done really well - even through a pretty huge illness for a little guy. God has definitely blessed us so much. He definitely orders our steps and brings us the children that fit us so well that we could never have done better if we chose them ourselves - in fact, we probably would have done far worse.

This precious baby boy has brought so much joy into our lives. He is a happy baby. He walked at 11 months old. He still isn't talking much yet, but I think big brother does most of the talking for him so he feels no need. His favorite game is to kick him little legs right out in front of him and land on his bottom. It is a crazy sight to see. But he does it every where we go. Apparently even church nursery as it was commented upon yesterday :).

He has slept in many different beds as we have gotten him all adjusted, and he does absolutely fine. He doesn't resist change at all, he appears to embrace it. He has bonded with Austin well and they really do seem to get along. He loves being outside. And he eats really well too. So all around he is fitting into our family well and has adjusted to a new environment with ease.

Motivation

This week has brought a lot of changes into our lives. All change comes with joy and sorrow. And we have seen both this week. Any time we add a child to our home, there is fear for the future. What happens next? Are our hearts going to break at the end of this journey? But I read a quote this week that summed up how I feel about why we do what we do.
"Love always involves fear. There are no guarantees about tomorrow for any of us. But in the meantime, while we're waiting for answers... while we're wondering what's at the end of this road - I want to walk it with you" No matter what the journey brings, we love our kids and true love always involves fear but is always worth the risk involved.

But we also do it to invest in our kids whether for a day, a week, a month, a year. "You never touch just one heart. Because once someone is loved like that, they'll go on to touch countless hearts. And with God the chain reaction never ends." Wow. Talk about touching a nerve. I pray that if we can give a few days or a few weeks of love, and peace, and safety that it will remain in our children's hearts forever, no matter where they end up. I pray that each child that comes into our home knows that they are absolutely loved. Of course, our desire is that they stay forever, but if they don't, this is why we do what we do. To touch one heart and one life. To hope that in Eternity we can see the faces of those who have been touched in turn by the one that we were granted a moment to love.

A Family of Five for a Time

For the first time in my life, I am afraid that I am going to cry the minute I see a child. Just totally break down. Not something I am prone to do. But it is sitting on the surface today. Now that you are intrigued... We are again a family of five. And this child is special - one we have prayed for over and over time and again for many, many months. Welcome to our home baby girl. May we be a source of peace and joy and comfort and blessing to you. May you always know love. May you see the joy of Jesus and learn to know Him. May we be a family to you no matter where you roam. We love you already. And we are so glad you are home!

Yes, this was not in OUR plans, but it was in God's plans. Sometimes His timing is not ours. But this is giving us a time to be totally dependent on Him. Having 3 kids 3 and under is a bit of a challenge, for sure. But I know that God equips those He calls. So off we go on another remarkable journey.

Thank you for praying for us. Many specific things - for the transition for ALL the kiddos, mine included - it's a big change. Love and patience to be obviously displayed for my husband and I as parents. Good health for all of us. Good sleep for all of us. Calmness in the midst of change and extra duties. Ability to find time for me to get my "day job" done and my house chores and laundry, ect.

Crazy times for sure! This Thanksgiving we have three little blessings to be thankful for!

Praying for Friends

Today, I found out that someone that I am friends with lost her baby at full term. It was her first baby. And my heart is broken for she and her husband. She was so adorable pregnant and so excited to be a mommy. She had even started a group on Facebook for Christian moms to discuss child-raising issues. Life if precious, and sometimes altogether too short. I can't imagine what this family is going through. I have prayed for them constantly today. Please join me in praying for them as they adjust to life without their baby.

Loss is hard no matter how you go through it. I know several friends who have lost children whether through miscarriages or very early death in childhood. And others, like me who haven't experienced pregnancy, but have lost children in adoption or foster issues. Loss hurts, for a long time. And your life is changed through the short time with that child whether they were born or not.

I have chosen to hug my kids a bit tighter today. And to be thankful for them - no matter how difficult the days may be with attitudes, teething, ect. Even those trial times are times to be thankful for because my children are here. And they are living and healthy. And I am thankful for that.

God uses things in our lives to put perspective to what we are going through. He has used my friends' loss to do that for me. Sometimes the mundane of life gets to me - dealing with Austin's new found independence and argumentativeness, the fact that he won't go potty in the toilet, the baby getting teeth and being fussy. And sometimes I forget to be thankful. All of these things are so not important in the grand scheme of life. They are just normal parts of parenting. Parts that today I am thankful for because again, it means my children are alive and well.I forget to look at the precious things in life - the baby's constant happy giggles (sans the teething), Austin's willingness to be helpful and sweet, his desire to learn and know more about Jesus, his songs that he sings. I am thankful for the reminder even as I pray for these precious parents who no longer have a baby to bring home from the hospital. May I never forget to be thankful for the gifts God has given me

Always Thankful

I know I have said this before, but I just feel so blessed watching my boys - all 3 of them (Daddy included) playing together. They are playing with a beach ball, and Austin is Tigger, Daddy is Pooh, and baby is Piglet (or Piglick - as Austin calls him). They all get to giggling so much and enjoy themselves just making up games. That is a happy thing to me.

It's looking at this thing that we have made called a family - maybe a non-traditional family, but a family none-the-less. I see special little boys who have blessed me more than anything in this world.

It's coming up on Thanksgiving and I definitely feel the need to express thankfulness for my precious boys. God has brought them to us in unique ways out of special circumstances. We met our adoption counselor on Saturday for our baby. So I feel like finally we are moving in a good direction - an end game to the foster process. For that I am also thankful!

This second adoption has been a LONG process for us - 7 months to get our home study completed and we are already at 6 months trying to get the foster care part done and looking at another at least 2 months before we go to court for our actual adoption.

This isn't for the faint of heart, yet it is such a blessing to me to allow me to be the one thing I desired most - a mommy. I know that there are so many people - even good friends of mine desiring mommyhood whether it is the first or second times. But being a mommy is a thing of beauty, a thing to rejoice in, a thing to never take for granted.

My boys make me smile. They giggle a lot and in turn make me laugh, they bring joy no matter the circumstance, they light up my life (cheesy maybe but true). My life is much more full today than it was at this time 3 years ago prior to having children. I am blessed, having learned a lot, gone through a lot, and come away a richer woman because of it all. Thanksgiving is a time to remember those things we are thankful for. Since my blog is mostly dedicated to adoption, that is what I am thankful for. I am thankful for a chance to have my own children, to give beautiful children a home, to be able to teach Jesus to my children who may not have heard of Him, to love and be loved in return. These are precious gifts and things I never want to take for granted.

Gotcha Day fell on Orphan Sunday

Today was/is a special day for us for two reasons - the first, it is Austin's Gotcha Day. Today, 2 years ago, he came home to live forever. We went from a couple to a family. And listening to him giggle on the way home from church just reminded me how special he is to us, and what absolute joy he has brought into our lives. God brought us just the right child to fit into our family. And it brings me such happiness to say that he is my son - forever.

The other special thing is that today is Orphan Sunday. And we were able to celebrate that at our church. I am thankful for all of the people who have or are adopting in our church. And I am thankful for a church that actively supports adoption, foster care, international adoption, and orphan care throughout our state, our nation, and our world.

I got a bit teary this morning to see my sons on the adoption presentation. To see the date that Austin became ours legally - to see our baby's name with - "waiting to be adopted into his forever family" in writing. It is special. Children are special - no matter if they are adopted or biological children. I am just thankful for a day to remind me to thank God for my small role in my children's lives. I am reminded to pray over them for their futures, how they will serve God in their older years. I am reminded to never forget to thank God for the miraculous way He brought these boys into our family. And honestly, days like this make me want to take in more kids... although I think I'll still wait just a bit :)

I'm thankful for all of the people who support us through our journey. It isn't over yet for baby number two. But we are getting there. I am thankful for people who pray for us, who love us, who encourage us. I am thankful for so many friends who have adopted, or are working through the process. I am glad for the bond that it brings. And I hope that we can all support each other.

Austin came home on this day exactly 2 years ago. His name wasn't what it is now, it was something else. And by God's grace - now his last name is forever ours. He is in his forever home! I will enjoy this day I am sure for years to come remembering that incredibly special day that made our lives so much richer. Austin - Mommy and Daddy love you more than words can say. You are important (a phrase he has picked up on lately). You are important because God chose you especially for us. He chose you to grow our family to be the wonderful little boy that you are that fills our lives with such joy and amazement and enjoyment at watching you learn and grow. Mommy and Daddy pray for you to become a real man of God - one who changes lives by loving them through Jesus. May you always know that you are loved.

Stepping Stones

On Friday (Nov 4), we got wonderful new about our precious baby boy. He has been staffed to adoptions which means that with more fingerprints (like the 90th time LOL), and some updates to our home study we should be able to be matched with a lawyer and finally go to court to adopt our baby and make his last name the same thing as ours!

Someone posted something so special to me on my facebook when I made this announcement. He said that our baby already had our last name - we were just waiting for the paperwork to catch up.

It gives me so much peace knowing we have made it this far in the process. Almost five months of waiting are finally working out for us to become a legal family of four. (We are totally a family of four now. And I hate it when people ask me after an adoption how it feels to be a mommy. I am a mommy now - we just need the legalities over to make all of our kids have our last name. Having a foster child is as much parenting as anything else. Ok, off my soap box.)

On the Austin front... Tomorrow is the day that he came home for good to live. This time two years ago, it was Daniel's and my last night just as a couple without a baby. And it was a LONG night of waiting, I will tell you that much. We were so excited to be bringing our very special, just turned 1 year old baby boy home.

He did so very well with the transition to our home. He blended into our family as if he had been here forever. God gave us a very special gift in Austin - in both our boys actually, but I was on the Austin topic :)

Tomorrow is Orphan Sunday at our church. I have said several times that I am thankful for a church that celebrates adoption. And it is so much more special that tomorrow is also the anniversary of the day Austin came home to live for good - his "Gotcha Day."

I met a new friend today who is trying to adopt. It is so neat how God brings people together who are at the same stages in life. We can always help each other, just by listening, or sharing advice from experiences, or even just listening to frustrations of the journey.

My boys are my life. I love them. And I am so very thankful for all of the good things God has done in our adoption journey. We aren't done yet. But we are a whole lot closer and a whole lot safer than we were a few months ago.

I look forward to what God has for us in our adoption future!

Austin Turns Three

Today is a special day celebrating Austin. He turned three today. This birthday has been a lot of fun - the first one he really cares about. Two wasn't such a big deal, but he has been looking forward to turning three for months - literally. And everyone had a birthday before him it seemed, baby, mommy, and daddy. Now, it is his turn.

It seems it has been a Lightening McQueen birthday. Almost everything he got had a Lightening theme. And now, we are sitting watching Cars 2 that just came out yesterday (thanks to Redbox for a cheap fun thing to do).

My dad came down to be with us for this birthday. So this morning, Austin opened presents my grandma has sent and then we took the boys to the park. Dad and I made Austin a Mickey Mouse cake. Honestly, it turned out looking like a scary Halloween bear, but we attempted it. And I convinced Austin it was Mickey :). So glad I didn't try to make a Lightening cake though. Mickey was bad enough LOL.

Daddy came home, and we let Austin open more presents from us and my parents. Then we took Austin to dinner at Fazoli's. His choice - baked spaghetti (he picked the restaurant too). He has played with his toys, eaten his cake and is winding down watching his movie. (He hasn't seen what MaMa and PaPa sent, but he is going to love it!)

He keeps telling us Happy Birthday. And we have to remind him that HE is the birthday boy. He told me he wasn't a birthday boy because he would turn back to two again soon. Two is over, three is here. I am excited for new adventures. He is learning, growing and changing so much.

And there are many more special days to come. I will post more probably Saturday or Sunday. But Austin's Gotcha Day is November 6. That is the day he came home to live forever exactly two years ago.

God has blessed us with an amazingly special little boy. He has been in our home for almost exactly two years. I wish I could say it had been all three years. But what a life-changing, wonderful little person entered our lives two years ago. I just couldn't have asked God for a better fit with our family. Even if your family doesn't grow the way you think it will - it surely does grow in the PERFECT manner, better than what you could have dreamed about!

Austin Elijah Kreitler - You are a precious gift from God. Mommy and Daddy love you beyond measure. We are so thankful that you are our precious son. You have changed our lives completely. We smile more than ever, we tear up at the precious things you do and say, we love harder, hug more, laugh often. And I can't even imagine life without you. May you have many, many more birthdays. And know that Mommy and Daddy are SO blessed to have you as our son. We are so thankful to God for bringing the perfect, special little boy to us at just the right time. Happy Birthday my son. Grow in knowledge of God, may this even be the year you come to know Christ as your personal Savior. You are such a smart little boy already with deep thoughts of God. I am so excited to watch you grow and change and learn this year. I hope that I live up to your expectations for a Mommy knowing that I will fail you at times, but that I want what is absolutely best for you before God. I love you son!

November Reflections

I'm spending time being nostalgic today. This is my last day with Austin as a two year old. Tomorrow he turns three. Two years ago at this time, we were planning to head to Austin's foster parents home for his first birthday. And we were anticipating bringing him home for good. That was the hardest week of my life. We went for his birthday party, and had to leave him. Then the next day or so we brought him home for an overnight visit and had to give him back. He crawled as fast as his little legs would carry him when we left... Thankfully, just four days after Austin turned 1, we brought him home for good. November 6, 2009, Austin came to live in the Kreitler home and never will leave again - adopted March 31, 2010.

November is a month dedicated to celebrating adoption. I am so thankful that we can promote adoption in this way. My life has forever been changed by my two little blessings from God. Our baby came home on March 27, 2011. Thankfully, on October 24, 2011, he became available for adoption. And now we are just waiting so that he can also have an adoption date changing his last name to match ours and give him the rights, responsibilities and privileges of anyone who may have been born into our household.

Austin is so very excited about this birthday, which makes me so very excited about it. And as always, I thank God that he is here for this birthday. We aren't visiting, and he is ours. I can plan his birthday as our child! These are small things but so big in my world :)

I do get a bit sad to think I'm not sure what time he was born or how big he was. I always will be sad about that. However, we have been so blessed to have had him in our home for two wonderful years. Adoption is something that changes your life in such a huge way. And I am so glad that we have seen such an amazing picture of how God adopted us. We have such a wonderful image to show to our sons - about God's love and our love!

It is also fitting that as our first Sunday back to church as a family is Orphan Sunday this coming Sunday. I'm so thankful we have a church that celebrates adoption. Certainly not everyone is called to adopt. But there are so many things that can be done to help the local or even international agencies.

November and now May will forever remind me how good God has been to us. Those months brought us our precious boys. And I am forever grateful!

Thank you Lord for a Healthy Baby!

I thought for a while that I was headed down the road of having a chronically ill child, but God answered our prayers and our baby is healthy!

We went to the cardiologist today. His heart echo showed a perfectly normal baby heart. And his labs came back 100% normal. Such a blessing to my mommy heart!

I'm so thankful for the wonderful doctor's and nurses that we had on our side encouraging us, answering our questions, and giving support along the way.

Baby is off his aspirin now, Hallelujah!!! And we will keep him on his prevacid for a couple more weeks just to make sure his tummy is healed up. Then he will be off all the meds from his illness. The aspirin is a blessing just because we couldn't give him any other meds like ibuprofin for teething - now we can - another mommy blessing!

This week has been full of good baby news. He is free for adoption and healthy to boot!

Different Colors

We were told in our initial classes before we adopted that adopting any child who had a race different than yours could create problems. However, God chose for us to go through with that plan anyway. And it does bring up some interesting discussions. I wanted to write this down just to remember it later on.

My sweet, almost 3 year old boy, looked at his daddy last night and told him, "Daddy, I'm sorry, but you are WHITE." Daniel asked him what color he was and he said "brown, and baby is even more brown." Insert smile from me here, because it is true.

Today, Austin told Daniel that he (Austin) was getting whiter to be like daddy. We told him that brown was beautiful and it made him special. And he shouldn't let anyone tell him that he was different or bad because his color was different than ours. The mind of a child.

I hope that Austin and our baby know that we love them so much, as if we had birthed them into our family. Color may mean and does mean something to some people, but it doesn't to us. They are our kids - no matter what. And they are special. They have been chosen by God for our family. And that makes them extra special.

I wrote this mainly for my memories. But I hope that it makes people consider adoption even of other races. It does present problems at times, especially in public, and even sometimes within family. But it is worth it. These precious children have blessed us more than we could ever bless them. But now, because of God bringing us together, we have the blessing and responsibility of teaching them about Jesus.

That in itself is a big responsibility. Today, Austin wanted to understand the Lamb of God. Wow, hard to explain. It is something I understand, but putting it on a little ones level really makes me think.

I'm so blessed to be mommy to two beautifully made, wonderfully created little boys. I am so thankful for them. And I am thankful for everyone who loves them unconditionally, adopted, racial differences or not. For all of those people, I am forever appreciative!!

Adoption HERE WE COME!!!

I haven't wanted to write these words before 5 pm today. But, since it is now 5:47 pm, here goes. Our precious baby boy if free and clear to be adopted. No one can take him from us!!!!

We still have a ways to go in the process. We will be getting an adoption case worker soon. Then that person will connect us with the lawyer in our county, who will then get us a court date for our actual adoption. So it could take a while still. But the point is, we have nothing left to worry about on this front.

I woke up this morning antsy for this hour to come, so that I would know that we were safe. We are assured of being our precious baby's parents forever. That is a GOOD feeling. I can't even begin to tell you how good.

I love our precious baby, but I will admit that there is a freeing feeling emotionally when you find out that you can have them forever. I think a piece of my heart wanted to protect itself. And while I love him more than I can imagine right now, I think knowing for sure we can adopt him is going to make my love grow even more if that is possible.

Thursday is the day we go back to the cardiologist to find out what is going on with his heart. I am hoping and praying we get off the aspirin regimen. And of course, that he doesn't have permanent damage.

Thanks for all the prayer warriors out there praying for us. I am praying our adoption happens this year 2011. We will see. Whether it does or not, we are safe. We have for sure, two beautiful boys forever.

And on a side note - apparently when potty training, teaching boys to stand up makes a world of difference in them wanting to try to learn... We will see how long it lasts LOL

Creating Memories

I knew that as an adoptive parent, we would run into questions that would be hard to answer. It hasn't happened much yet, until today. Austin was looking at his baby pictures (all 8 that we have.) And he asked Daniel why we weren't in the picture, and whose house was that? We faultered a bit honestly, not quite sure how to answer it. I took the baton and told him that God chose Austin especially for us, but he didn't come to us until he was a little bit older. But he was ours forever now and he didn't ever have to change houses again. He was safe. (He has been struggling with the concept that kids come and go after our foster experience. It has been quite traumatic for him. So I wanted him to know that he wouldn't ever have to move again).

It made me a bit teary. I wish so much that I had been in those pictures. I wish it was our house that he was seeing in those pictures. But we are blessed to have him. It has been almost two years now. Hard to believe how time flies. I am so thankful for him. And I know that I need to focus on that. I honestly can't help but feel some sadness though that we missed a whole year of his life and that we have to explain it to him. I wish he had a wonderful story to the beginning of his life. But he has a wonderful story now. Adoption is such a beautiful picture of what God has done for us. And I hope that we do a good job of portraying that to Austin as he continues to want to know about his first year of life.

I was also thinking today how things change with kids and how time really does fly. I rock my kids, not to sleep. But we use that time to sing and pray with them. They totally soothe themselves to sleep, but we see it as a really good bonding time. Austin isn't as interested in doing it anymore. But Sunday night he let me, and today at nap time, he let me rock him. I was holding him, thinking how truly blessed I am. I have two beautiful boys who I have been able to cuddle, one for two years, one for almost five months. And while I did miss their first months of life - I pray that we have made the next months and years of their lives a safe haven, memorable in a good way, so that they know love!

Cuddling my 14 month old baby boy while we rock is a wonderful time too. He is such a good cuddler. He snuggles up with his head of my shoulder. Someone mentioned to me that I need to cherish those moments because they don't happen too often after kids get older and I am already experiencing that with Austin. So I am cherishing the moments. I am soaking them up. I am thankful for my two boys. God has worked in marvelous ways in our lives - all of our lives.

I can sit and be sad that we missed the time in our boys life - and I am sad. I can't change that. I will always be sad. But we have a chance to lead them towards a life knowing Jesus. And we have the rest of their years to create photographs and memories for them to look at. And I am thankful for that!

Counting my Blessings

I'm struggling a bit with discouragement today. I am still not feeling at all well. I have a kidney infection that just will not clear and it is quite painful. So since I am feeling down - I have decided to count my blessings... Here goes.

1. I have one more day to go and then my husband is off for 3 days - yes 3! He is home on Monday! What a blessing to me. And he is a blessing to me always helping me with the boys, giving me chances to rest when I need it.

2. My baby has begun to eat a bit. It isn't normal amounts, but he is putting food in his mouth! That is a bigger blessing than I can possibly express in words!

3. I am learning new things about being a parent. I have figured out Austin's Love Language for now. I'm sure it grows and changes with him. But his is definitely "words of affirmation." I have been working on using his love language with him and the change happens before my eyes! It doesn't mean that we don't have time of misbehavior, of course we do, but he definitely responds better when I am encouraging positive behavior.

4. We have a home. You might think this is a strange thing to write. But we are blessed with that. There are many people in the world wondering if they will stay in their homes. And we are not in that position. We don't have much extra, but I am thankful for what we do have.

5. Friends. I am thankful for the people who take the time to write to me on facebook, or text message and encourage me through this time in our lives. They probably don't know how much that means to me. But in this rather lonely time, knowing you are being prayed for and loved makes a world of difference!

6. A job. There are times I complain about my job. But I am blessed by it. I am thankful to be home with my boys and be able to work as much or as little as I need to that day.

7. Ability to read and learn. I have been studying a Bible study book on Joshua. And I have been learning and challenged a lot through it. But I thought about the fact that some people can't read and some people don't even own a Bible and I am thankful for my liberties in these areas.

8. Good doctors! I am so thankful for the team of great doctors we have in place for our baby and I am thankful for one particular doctor that I have who knows me, even loves me, and will do anything to make my life a little easier in the health field. She is ALWAYS available by phone, calls and checks on me, calls me with results on Saturday if they are important. She has been a God-send and I am thankful.

You are probably wondering why this litany. Well, I have read lately that if we only had what we thanked God for yesterday, what would we have? I assume nothing for me a lot of days. And I want to make sure that I am thankful no matter what the circumstances.

14 month birthday and family updates

14 months old - Today marks the day that our baby turns 14 months old. Hard to believe. Time really does fly. And we got good news today regarding his permanency status in our family. He is a joy to have. He is walking well, not talking much, but a super happy baby! He laughs and giggles and is happy if he can make any one of us smile!

He is still struggling with his eating. I am overjoyed if I can get a few bites down him! But he is drinking Ensure shakes and keeping up his nutrition that way. He definitely is having reflux issues - you can tell he struggles with it almost every hour of every day. It makes my heart hurt for him! But he is a trooper. I'm anxiously waiting for his appointment with cardiology to see how his heart is and maybe then we can get off of this aspirin and allow his little tummy to heal.

I am so blessed with two amazing sons. This is Austin's last month of being 2. That too is hard to believe. This time in his life makes me feel quite nostalgic. We already knew about him this time two years ago, but we weren't allowed to visit him until later on in October. It's very hard to describe the feelings that you have knowing you have a child - who is a moving, living, trying to walk baby and you can't see them. Then later in October, we started every night visits to see him an hour away. And then finally three weeks later, 4 days after his 1st birthday, we got to bring him home for good. You can imagine how wonderful that time was for us. And how thankful I get this time of year.

Austin is a wonderful little boy - so inquisitive. Why is his favorite word right now. And while it does get annoying admittedly sometimes, it is so neat to see his little mind working putting facts all together. He is exerting independence lately as well, which I am assured comes with the territory of a 2 year old. But all in all, he is a loving, sweet, wonderful little boy who loves everyone around him.

God is working in wonderful ways in our lives right now. Throughout our baby's illness, I really feel that we have grown closer together as a family - you either do that or you grow apart during times when you can't be out around other people. But I dlo feel we have grown closer. We are leaning on each other for moral support - and we are learning in a real way that our God is in control. We can do nothing for our baby, but wait and pray and trust God to do what is best - no matter what that is. That still leaves a bit of fear in the pit of my stomach, I don't want to have a chronically ill child. I want him to be "normal." But maybe his normal will be different as will ours. But I really believe God won't give us more than we can handle and He is going to walk us through all of this. And I'm still praying that it is over quickly.

I have appreciated so much those who have reached out to us whether here in town or very long distance to offer prayers, and love, and support. We need it. I have been sick this whole time as well and still don't seem to be getting better. So I am tired as well. But knowing people love us all around the globe means a lot to me and gives me strength to keep my head up above the swirling water of illness that has touched us.

I think that having had chronic illness from the time I was young, I accept it as life - for me. However, when it hits your child, it is not normal life, it is unfair and absolutely not ok. I think that is how I am feeling of late. I was talking to another mom this week who's children have chronic illnesses and they will forever. (I still have hope our baby will come out of this illness sometime soon.) But we were discussing the misunderstanding that comes with having children who are sick - a lot. People who haven't experienced it frankly can't understand it. And that reality is a bit lonely.

We have been fighting our baby's illness for a month now and have at least a month to go before we find out if this is a life-long battle or if it is over. It's not an easy road. Yesterday, he didn't eat at all. He if fussy all of the time. And you can just tell that he feels pretty rotten. It is sad for his mommy, daddy, and brother. And it honestly is taxing physically, emotionally, spiritually - in every way.

There is a lot of fear involved. Fear that this disease will be our normal. Fear that he will get sick again and complicate his clinical picture. Fear that he won't eat enough to get well. Fear that I won't be able to care for him properly. Frustration at my frustration through this process. (I should totally understand having been through lots of years of illness myself, but it is still hard to not be even able to comfort your own child or get him to even take one bite of food.)

It's a lonely road. We have been home for a month - I have been to church once in about six weeks. We aren't even shopping much for groceries. Trying to do it as quickly as possible as little as possible. We are staying by ourselves in our little house - with our four walls closing in around us. And we do it on purpose to keep our baby healthy.

It has been mentioned to me that we seem to be sick all of the time. True. Unfortunately true. But at this point, this is God's road for us. We just need love and understanding and prayer and even phone calls. It's nice to know you are remembered and loved even if you haven't shown your face in the outside world for a while.

I think the biggest thing is understanding - not trite comments about how things will get better, God is in control, all of this is preventative and not a bit deal, ect. We need people to trust us that this is a difficult road, but we are doing the best we can. We know God is in control and we are glad. But if it isn't possible to say anything more than that trite comment, just don't, you know?

I'm sure this post seems harsh. But it is from the eyes of a woman who has been there herself - being sick, and now has a sick child. It isn't easy. And unfortunately, whether you are or not, you feel forgotten. And those who put down the illness as no big deal really make things worse on the emotional end.

Understanding goes a long way to showing God's love to a struggling family. More probably than anyone can know unless they have been there.

Baby Health Update

Sometimes things get more interesting as they progress. This disease of my baby's definitely falls into this category for me. The poor baby is teething, on top of feeling yucky from his tummy being messed up. I had read online that ibuprofin could interact with aspirin cause issues with platelets. I wasn't sure if that was true, but because his platelets have already been messed up, I was afraid to not find out the answer to that question.

The answer - ibuprofin can't be given at all right now and he can only have one dose of tylenol a day. So Orajel here we come! I am also going to find Hyland's Teething Tablets. They didn't work for Austin, but it's worth a try - different child and all.

His platelets are actually better right now in a normal range, his Sed rate is still increased (it's an inflammation marker in the body.) However, the doctor said that is normal for this point in the disease process. I am relieved that things seem to be evening out.

They will do more blood work when we go in at the end of this month and that will show us how he is really doing about six weeks out which will give us a clearer picture of what is going to happen long-term.

I have always been one to try to make things better if I can. Unfortunately, with this disease, I have to just let a lot of things be - even teething pain. It makes me sad, but we certainly can't have a platelet problem. Please pray for ease of his pain level - it seems quite high. Also pray that the medicine will work quickly to ease the pain in his stomach so that he will eat well again at all meals and be able to sleep as much as needed without pain. Pray that his heart heals properly and that all of his blood work will go back to normal.

I have realized this past month things that many parents have realized in the past, it is MUCH easier to be sick yourself than to have a child sick. This has been very, very difficult. I want to take everything on myself, and unfortunately I can't do that. But I know that God can heal our baby. And if He doesn't, He will get us through and give us grace to walk the road wherever it leads us in the future.

THANK YOU JESUS!!! - Good news on the adoption front

We got absolutely fabulous news in our quest to adopt our second child today. We thought we would have to wait until the 11th of this month to find out the ruling on our case. Instead, it was handed down today - in our favor!

We are so excited and thankful. But we still have about 30 more days of hurdles to make it through, and possibly more depending on how the next 30 days go. So please keep praying for us that everything will go smoothly and quickly from here on out.

I'm being purposefully vague so as not to give away info that I shouldn't until he is adopted. I think most people who read this will know what I am referring to in this post. But trust me, it is hugely good news - in fact, it is news we have been waiting for four plus months to hear. So we are quite ecstatic.

We should be changing to an adoption case worker soon. We are so sad to lose our foster case worker. She has been so wonderful to us. I just can't imagine not having her in our lives. But we have all promised to stay in touch. So I hope that it will be true. And I'm praying our adoption case worker will be just as wonderful.

God is good to get us this far and we have no doubt that He will continue to help us through the process. We are seriously praying that this process is over quickly though and we can be in court for OUR adoption day (as we have met the 3 month requirement already for having a child in the home before adoption).

Thoughts on life for this week :)

It is a beautiful day here in Sunny Florida! And it's cool, I broke out my sweatpants - yes because it is in the 60's.... We have our windows open in the house and slept with them open - a big blessing definitely for our electricity bill :).

I am home this morning with our precious baby boy. It's a bit sad to not all be able to go to church as a family, but we have a few more weeks of that. And I know that it is a small sacrifice to keep a healthy baby. He is doing better other than still having tummy troubles from all the aspirin. We got a new medicine late last week, so we are hoping that helps him out soon.

Austin is doing well. His birthday is coming up next month. Crazy to think about. His birthday always brings a bit of nostalgia to my life - not because I remember the day he was born, but we brought him home for good exactly four days after his first birthday. So we celebrate two things the week of his birthday! He is so excited about his birthday this year. He really understands the concept and just can't wait for it to get here.

Hopefully good things will come for our second adoption process this month as well. I'm hopeful. I'm glad that we have a God who is in control. If not, all of these health issues, court issues, all the other issues life brings would be totally overwhelming. But there is good everywhere you look. We have two beautiful boys, we have gotten though some very difficult health issues and have good doctors to continue to help us with the journey, the weather is beautiful right now - and if you live in Florida you understand why this is a blessing... Blessings are abounding. And it is so much easier to focus on the bad then the good sometimes, but you surely do feel better focusing on the blessings and thanking God for all He has given!

Lessons from my two-year-old

Parenting is an interesting journey. One I think I'm not doing so hot at. But the lessons that I learn each day are so immense that I wouldn't trade this for the world. I just hope I can keep growing and changing and learning these lessons so that maybe one day I am the mommy that my kids need.

My lesson for today... My Austin was running around singing "I'm happy, so very happy, I've got the love of Jesus in my heart." And he is so sincere. Of course, he doesn't fully understand these concepts yet. But he is trying. And he is asking questions.

And I thought about myself, how am I showing that love to him? Probably not in the greatest ways. Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I think it hit me really hard that my precious baby has something wrong with his heart. I was all fine and acting strong the day we found out, but yesterday it about overwhelmed me. And I am frustrated with my job. I am so thankful to be able to work at home, but sometimes it is hard to never be told thank you. I feel like we are always in trouble and nobody cares that 99.5% of the time, we are doing things right. And I am tired and not feeling well - so all that to say, I wasn't in the best of moods. Austin is definitely in the stage of his life where he is finding out his personality - and being argumentative and not always obeying or even trying to obey.

So I was frustrated and angry. And I didn't show Jesus love to him. And I want to. I want my kids to see Jesus love, and mercy, and justice in me. That doesn't mean that I don't want them to obey, but it does mean that I need to work on my attitude and what they see in me - regardless of the circumstances.

I think that sometimes two year olds have a better view of Jesus than we do. Honestly.

And they have a stronger faith. Austin completely trusts me to take care of all of his needs. He knows that I will feed him, clothe him, love him... Why can't I trust my Heavenly Father with these things? He can heal my baby. He can provide the money we need. He can ease the hurts in my heart. If I let Him.

Lessons from a two year old are sometimes harder lessons for me to learn than any others. But I am thankful to have the opportunity to learn them. I know it doesn't mean I won't mess up ever again in my parenting, I will forever. But I hope that some things get better with the lessons I am learning.

Doctor update

We went to Nemours today for our rheumatology and cardiology follow up for our baby. (So glad to be at Nemours among friends - 4 years of working there makes for solid connections when you are in need. I love them all!).

We did find out that the baby's arteries are dilated in his heart, which we knew could happen. I was praying that it wouldn't happen, but it has. He won't get to stop the aspirin for at least four more weeks when they will do another test on his heart to find out how his arteries look then. The goal is that his body will heal itself in that time with the help of the aspirin. If it doesn't, we may be looking at longer term heart issues for him.

We also got him more medicine for his poor tummy. The aspirin has done a number on it, and he still is vomiting. So we are going to try a stronger medicine to try to heal up his stomach lining.

They also checked his blood work again, although I haven't heard results on that yet.

I am sad that he has any heart involvement from this disease; however, I know my God is bigger than this and He can heal our baby is He chooses. And if not, He will give us grace to make it through this storm. It is scary to me for some reason to hear heart problem. A lot of other things aren't as scary to me, but the heart seems like a big deal for some reason. But I know that these doctors are the best and will do everything possible to make sure our baby is as healthy as he was prior to this Kawasaki diagnosis.

We are, thankfully, allowed to begin to take him places, we just can't have him in what they call a "daycare" environment which includes church nursery. We don't want him to contract another disease on top of this one. But we can take him to the store if we need to which frees me up a lot. I am missing going to church as a family, but it is a small sacrifice on the road to having a healthy baby once again.

I'm thankful that we have a God who can heal even the most horrible diseases!

Better Week

We have a had a fairly quiet week, thankfully, compared to last week. Our baby hasn't had the easiest of health weeks, but we are beginning to see better days I think.

He hadn't eaten anything really - a few grapes or banana pieces is the extent of it - for 9 days. And he had started to vomit any food he tried to eat. I called the doctor and we started him on Zantac to protect his stomach from the aspirin he has to be on for his Kawasaki. That seems to have helped. He has eaten normal meals for about a day now. I think his body is starving though because he is having a hard time sleeping because he is hungry. So we are just obliging his tummy and feeding him when he feels able to eat for now.

We did see our doctor on Thursday. She said he is sounding fine. She isn't sure how long he will be on the aspirin, that will be up to cardiology and the echocardiogram findings when we see them on Tuesday, although it will probably be at least 4 weeks total maybe more. She did say that because of the aspirin we have to try to keep him away from people as much as possible - i.e. no nursery, no parks, no walmart or grocery stores. Basically, we have to stay home. If he would get another virus, it could complicate the picture of what is going on with the Kawasaki. And if he would get the flu, he could get Reyes' syndrome from the aspirin which could cause brain and liver damage. So, we are staying home.

I admit to going a bit stir crazy. I am a get out of the house person. I like to take the kids to do fun things. And I am sad that we can't even really see our friends as much. However, I am happy to do anything that will keep our precious baby healthy.

Tuesday, we see Rheumatology and Cardiology at Nemours. It is funny to be going there since I worked there for so long. I have never been on the patient end of things. Interesting change of scenery I am sure.

The baby does have a cold right now, but it should be ok as long as he doesn't get a fever. Austin has the same cold. We asked the doctor how scary the cold was and she said it should be just like a normal cold - it's major viruses and the flu that we are concerned about.

Austin is doing fine except for his cold. He really was not wanting us to take the baby to the doctor because the last time that meant a hospital stay. This time we were able to assure him that it was just a check up and we could go home like normal. Austin has a very tender heart. He takes everything seriously and is really starting to apply some of the lessons we are trying to teach him.

This has been a scary road we have walked. But the Lord has brought us through and is really teaching us things during this time. We are thankful for the prayer support we are receiving through it all.

Our lives currently

It's funny how one word can rule your life - right now it is Kawasaki... I am checking constantly for fevers, dealing with peeling lips, waiting for the peeling to start on the hands and feet, figuring out how to crush up baby aspirin and put it in liquid, dealing with spit up from the stomach pain and the aspirin, figuring out how to get some, any nutrition into my baby who doesn't want food... This is my life right now.

And I am tired, so very tired. I'm finding myself a bit discouraged right now. I think it is from being sick myself and being so exhausted. Apparently it happens sometimes when you are coming down off a long adrenaline high, which I definitely am.

I think really the baby is doing pretty well. He hasn't had a fever yet, a couple of close calls, but no fever. He doesn't fight me on his medicine. He is quite tired as well and a bit fussy because of it. I think he is actually very hungry. He hasn't eaten much since Wednesday. I am giving him Kid's Boost to get nutrients into him, and he is drinking milk of course. He has eaten a couple bananas and some grapes. So I saw that as a victory!

We have a follow up appointment with our family doctor on Thursday and then the visit with the rheumatologist early next Tuesday morning and then the echocardiogram and cardiologist visit afterwards. I'm thankful that we have somewhere like Nemours to take him to during this time. I am absolutely certain that they will take immensely good care of him and will tell us what to expect in the days ahead.

I have kept him home away from people since we got home from the hospital. We don't want to mask symptoms by adding another illness. I am a bit concerned because he is on the aspirin for him to get anything else because then he could get Reyes syndrome from the aspirin which could cause brain and liver damage.

It feels like a lot to worry about. I know that God is in control of our son. And I am thankful for that. I will be glad to know that our baby is healthy and that this is over. And I will be glad to feel caught up on sleep and well myself. I am currently a few days into antibiotics myself.

We still have another few weeks to wait until we find out his permanent status. I wish it was sooner, but I have trust God in all of that too.

Big Day - Pray Please

Tomorrow is a huge day in our quest to become a forever family of four! Please pray for us that everything will go smoothly and that a decision will be made and then that it will not be contested or overturned. We have been absolutely blessed with this precious baby! He has had two really good nights of close to 14 hours of sleep each night. He still isn't eating much, but we are giving him Kids' Boost to get some nutrients in him along with some pedialyte. We are thankful that he is home and that we are all together. Austin is still a bit scared because he just doesn't understand. But we are all re-adjusting. I am home from church this morning because we can't risk the baby getting anything else right now. It could make him far sicker than he was. So we will be home, out of crowds for a while. But that is a very small sacrifice in light of how sick he could have been and the horrible things that could have happened. I have been so touched with the reminder that God has all of this in His control. He already knew this would happen. He has given strength and healing. I don't know how you could go through something like this without knowing God and relying in Him knowing He has our best in mind. Please do pray for tomorrow that things turn out well and that this part of the journey will be over.

Baby Hospital Story

This week has gone nothing like I anticipated. Last week, we were at the ER and then the doctor's office and almost admitted because the baby was so sick with a fever. It had gone from a sinus infection to probably a virus. And he got basically better. He still had fever, but we could get him to drink and produce wet diapers, so he never got admitted.

On Wednesday, I took him to the doctor for what was supposed to be a well-baby visit. But the night before, he had spike another temperature. So the doctor turned our visit to a sick visit. I didn't think a lot about it until we started discussing his symptoms and her demeanor changed. She told me that there was a disease called Kawasaki disease that came when children had a fever for more than five days. But there were a lot of other symptoms that we hadn't seen.

The strange thing, probably of God to help me not overreact, was that I Had seen a lot of this during my days of working at Nemours Children's Clinic. So I knew exactly what it was, how it was treated, ect.

The doctor sent us to the lab for blood work and then allowed us to go home. She said she would call if the labs were abnormal and then we would have to be admitted. I honestly thought that there wouldn't be an issue and that we would be home and going about business as usual.

Then... the phone rang. It was the doctor, his labs were abnormal. Not all of them, but enough. So I packed up and we went to the hospital. The treatment for this disease is an IV medicine called IVIG. It runs for twelve hours. And they have to intensely monitor the child during that time.

We got to the hospital at 7:30 pm. Finally by 10:30 they had put his IV in (twice because they messed up the first one - not easy on mommy or baby). Then by about 11 pm he started his medicine. He slept fairly well that night because they had pre-medicated with Benadryl. I, on the other hand, slept not at all because they came in so much. The medicine could cause high blood pressure so they had to be very, very careful.

Thankfully, that IV was done about 11 in the morning. And he had an echocardiogram of his heart because the premise of this disease is that it dilates the vessel in the body and can cause aneurysms which could lead to cardiac arrest, blood clots, ect. We saw the cardiologist, one of my personal favorites who I worked with again at Nemours. She was very reassuring and even hugged me, which I needed by that point. And we also saw the rheumatologist who told me that baby would have to be watched for a few days in the hospital because of the possibility of more fevers, in which case he would need more IV meds.

Baby really was feeling fairly well throughout this time, until Thursday night. He was drinking a bottle and started projectile vomiting. It was horrible. I have never seen anything like it. And he was inconsolable. We actually had another episode in the night of inconsolability about 2 am. It turns out that they were giving him 650 - 700 milligrams of aspirin - to thin his blood to stop the blood clots and it was eating away his stomach lining, causing the vomiting and pain. It was a horrible night for me, seeing him so sick and hurting so badly.

On Friday, they took more blood to check his counts. And unfortunately, they weren't much better. The doctor said we would have to continue to be monitored. And because of the vomiting we did a strict count of his liquids and they measured the weight of his diapers.

I was able to come home for a while on Friday while Daniel stayed with the baby. When I got back, I was prepared to stay another night, but the doctor called me and said that they had decided to release us. She said they had decided the risk of him picking up more germs was higher than the benefits of staying.

I have never been so relieved to not have to spend the night! We were all exhausted. And Austin was so confused as to why we weren't home, what was wrong with brother, ect. He needed us home. I have been sick myself with a high fever this whole time, so I was totally wiped out physically, emotionally, ect. Daniel has been holding us all together while sick himself, so he was beyond tired as well. We all just needed to be together!

So last night, about 8:30, we brought baby home! We do have to continue with a low dose baby aspirin for a few weeks, we have to watch his temperature, we can't take him anywhere to risk illness, and he will be monitored with more heart tests for a few weeks to make sure there are no residual issues.

But all in all, we are home together, the baby is going to be fine in a few weeks, we all slept well over twelve hours last night, we have found that we have a huge support system in friends here. And most of all, we are thankful to have a God who heals and who cares for even our emotional needs!

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us. Please don't stop as we continue to pray for baby's recovery. I am coming off the adrenaline rush and am quite tired and feeling rough too. But we are home, and we are fine! I am thankful!

Still Very Sick

Things looked up yesterday in the illness department in our family. And this morning things took another scary turn. Baby didn't wake up. I went in to wake him up and he just looked at me and fell asleep again. To the doctor we went... More blood work, a nose swab, more motrin for a 104 almost fever.

Now the doctor is thinking viral infection. She said as long as we could make sure he would drink we wouldn't have to have him admitted. So I keep waking him up and forcing the bottle in his mouth. I even went back to a bottle because it is a comfort thing for him, he hasn't used one in a month or so.

So please pray for us that we can keep his fluid levels up high enough and the fever down enough that he won't have to go to the hospital. This is apparently quite contagious, so please also pray that Austin stays healthy and that Daniel and I stay well to take care of our boys.

My mom is coming in tomorrow. I am so thankful for that right about now. I'm looking forward to the extra help. I'm feeling quite tired after the sleepless nights associated with making sure your baby is ok.

We appreciate all the prayer support and support our friends and family have given us through this. It has been quite a scary time for us. Love to you all!

Hospital Encounter with Our Precious Baby Boy

Yesterday was hands down one of the scariest days I have ever had as a mom. The night before which was Saturday night, our baby had a fever of about 103.6. We were able to get it down and he was playing again. We kept him in our room for a while but ended up putting him back in his room to sleep.

By 10 the next morning, I went and got him up, and he wouldn't wake up. He would look at me and fall right back asleep. I ended up calling the Urgent Care who said to take him to the ER, the ER who said not to bring him, and ultimately his doctor's office on-call service who said to take him because he probably had croup.

I got ready to go and got to the ER. There were millions of people there. The intake person didn't even ask me what was wrong with him, just gave me a number. A nurse walked through and I caught her and showed her that he just wouldn't wake up. She triaged us and got us into a room right away. The resident came in minutes after and was extremely concerned about his lethargy. He never woke up while she was examining him. She told me she was afraid he had a blood infection or something worse.

Those words are not one that a mommy with medical knowledge wants to hear. They sent us for x-rays immediately. And then they moved us to the room closest to the nurses station. They came in and put an IV in him and he never woke up. It was so scary. I just wanted him to cry or something.

They gave us Pediasure to try to get something in his tummy and that perked him up for a few minutes. They did multiple other tests, and for those he actually cried. A sound so welcome to our ears. (Daniel had joined me by this time. We are so thankful to our friends who kept Austin for such long hours for us). I hated it that my baby was being poked and prodded so much, but the fact that he responded made me feel so much better.

And then the trend turned again. We could keep him awake for about 20 minutes and he would sleep for up to another hour. It had gotten to the point that all of his test results had come back normal except for a neck x-ray which showed croup even though he wasn't coughing and his oxygen levels were fine.

The next step was supposed to be a lumbar puncture. But I was concerned about that. We finally saw the attending doctor who said he just didn't have the signs of meningitis. And he listened to our history again and decided that what baby probably had was a sinus infection and the fever was just making him non-responsive.

So after 8 LONG hours in the hospital they sent us home with signs to watch for, orders to keep the motrin and tylenol going because he would sleep a lot when the fever was up, and an antibiotic for ten days.

A sinus infection, what a relief. They had been talking about admitting us for days. And now we could go home with just an antibiotic. Thank you Lord!

We made it home and got him tucked into bed in our room (we had just bought a portable crib, another blessing), and he slept all night. His fever feels like it is going up again. So we just did motrin. But he is playing a bit, has eaten a little, and just stops for little rest breaks a lot.

There is nothing scarier than basically being told that if they don't figure out what is wrong your baby could die. I felt so lost. But we called our family and some close friends and we felt people praying. We are so thankful that God worked it out for the attending to come in and see us and realize what was wrong, that it wasn't life threatening, but just how his body was responding to the fever.

It is true that in your darkest times, God carries you. He did. We couldn't have managed without His upholding Hand. And we are so thankful for our family and friends who loved us so much to pray for us and ask for prayer for us from others even those who didn't know us.

We aren't out of the woods quite yet, but we are definitely so much better than we were yesterday.