Update

Wow, it has been such a long time since I have written anything. Years in fact. My kids are now almost seven, seven, and nine. In First and third grade respectively. It seems like so long since our foster care journey. We packed so much in a few very short years. We are so blessed with the children God has chosen for our family.

And chosen is truly the word I use. Many families have babies and God chooses those babies for those families. But our babies were born to other families, three respective families. Each of my children has one or more biological siblings.

And before you ask, yes they know they are adopted and they know about their siblings. A has actually met his, although I don’t believe he remembers. H’s  sister is a close friend of ours. And unfortunately we know nothing of J’s.

I was reflecting today on our foster care journey just looking back through my blog posts. Some of it was very pain filled, but so much joy has come from it. We have three beautiful, mostly well adjusted children. Do they have issues, yes. I would be lying if I said adoption comes without risk. Each child brings with them some of their history. But what one of us doesn’t have some history that we bring to any relationship? And I realize as their mom, that I am creating baggage in them as well. Not that I want to, but it is inevitable that something I do will come up in therapy later in life, right?

I hope that I have become an advocate for adoption encouraging everyone I know to adopt. And our story is unique in that our family is a multiracial blend. Has it been easy? No most certainly not. We have run into many people who are very racist and don’t like the rainbow that is our family.But you know what I have realized? Our family is what Heaven looks like. So while you may not love it and you may think someone else could better take care of my kids, you may be right. But God picked me. And so I am going to do my dead level best to bring my kids up knowing who they are and most importantly Whose they are and that they are loved, no matter their skin color, eye color, or personality. I am an adoption advocate. I think anyone who supports adoption whether by prayer, monetary support, or actually adopting is doing God’s work for His kingdom. I pray you are exponentially blessed for loving the orphans of this world.

My kids are so smart. They are learning to read, play the piano. Austin has amazing math skills. It is amazing what God has done in a few short years. I have heard moms say they forget labor pain when they see their babies. Maybe it is the same way for foster and adoptive mons. We forget the trials of foster care and adopting once the kids are ours forever. We are just so thankful to have a family that we choose to look at the blessings instead of focusing on the trials.

Number Three Blessing Complete

Change is sometimes something that you don't look forward to, it is something that at times, brings hurt. But then there is the pain that comes in the night and the joy that it brings in the morning. I haven't written on my blog for a year right now. When we lost our last baby, the pain was so deep for all of us - mostly our oldest son. He is still asking questions about where is sister went, is she ok, will she ever come back. He has bad dreams that someone will take our other children and leave him. This upheaval has been very difficult for him.

And if I'm truly honest, it has been difficult for me. I tend to bury the hurt. I pretend that nothing happened and move on. When we got the call on September 20 that we were matched with another girl, I was scared. Very scared. I was afraid it might turn out like the last one. I was afraid for Austin. I just didn't feel like his precious heart could take any more pain. And the crazy thing was, we weren't looking for kids to adopt again. We were kind of status quo at that moment and content where we were.

After much deliberation, we decided to meet this baby girl. She was 19 months old. We went to a Chick-fil-A play place, which made my boys totally happy. When we met her she was a bit reserved, but came out of her shell more than anyone expected her to. She was beautiful. It is truly one of those you just "know" moments. I still felt like we needed to wait. We took her home every day with us and then back to her foster parents for a week allowing her to get acclimated to us. Then a week later, we and the foster parents felt she would be fine to move and so September 20, she moved home.

She really does fit. She is strong enough to handle having two brothers, but girly enough to want to paint toenails and wear pretty dresses and shoes. She is cuddly. She has dimples that are really beautiful when she smiles. She has a "typical" girly attitude - gets a little up in arms and holds grudges a little longer than the boys do. But she really has joined our family with no bumps along the way.

Yesterday, we were able to go to court before the judge and adopt her officially forever. We saw another family go in, and the child being adopted was about 4. His mommy said "Now you are going to be a (insert last name). And he said "Forever and ALWAYS" She of course, said yes, and in his tiny baby voice, he said Mommy will you hold my hand? It was such a beautiful picture of what adoption really is.

My oldest son, has been through so much losing his sister almost a year ago, what I alluded to earlier in this blog, but yesterday when we went to court, he was so excited. I am praying that this shows him that we can save some kids. That now, he has siblings forever, that we ARE a family. And that means something beautiful.

He told his sister what her full name is, and then said you have a Mommy and Daddy who gave you a new name and a new family. All the bad stuff is gone and the bad people are gone. And Mommy and Daddy are great parents. I love them so much and you will too.

We've been blessed so much. God truly has been good to us. Sometimes in the midst of trials you wonder where God is. He is in the light of my children's eyes when they hear that judge say their name or the name of their sibling and realize that they are safe. You realize that God has these kids in your home for a reason. I often feel completely under equipped to do the job God has called me to do with these precious lives. But He placed them in our home for a reason and I'm thankful for the opportunity to love them and I hope to teach them kindness, to teach them to show Jesus to others. I pray they all understand the true way of salvation and then go on to strong leaders in their churches. But most of all, I just want them to love Jesus with all of their hearts and have it show from every part of their lives. I want them to take the gifts they have and I want them to bless others.

This has been an interesting adoption for me. I got my baby girl which I had hoped to some day. And I truly feel like this is our last child. I feel like we are done. This makes me sad. Maybe God has more for us down the road I don't know. But right now, these kids need my time and energy and I want to enjoy them. So for now, I feel that I done. I never got that newborn that I was hoping for, but my arms are full. And God is good and He is gracious. And my children are gifts that I could never have imagined looking back even ten years. I look forward to watching their next ten years praying all the while that I am the mom that God use to lead them in the way everlasting

Birthdays and Anniversarys

This week is quite the week in our household - a fun week to be sure! My fifth anniversary fell on Friday, and our baby turned two. Funny how those two things combined can cause some nostalgia.

Reflecting back on our marriage has been a good reflection. My husband has been a blessing to me in so many ways. I don't tell him enough certainly. He has been a stronghold through many things, especially this year. We have fun together, and I think that makes a marriage a good one. We enjoy being together. And of course, we are able to be serious and make those big decisions that need to be made for our family and for our children. I'm thankful for my husband and for how much he loves me and for how much he loves our boys.

We have had a lot of changes in our home this year. We went from three children back to two children with the loss of our foster child. And that is something that has affected all of us. Something that we haven't necessarily grieved yet or gotten over completely.

But in the midst of all of that we have the ray of sunshine - our baby boy, who isn't so much of a baby anymore - today he turns two! He is such a special little boy. He loves everyone, he loves to give hugs, he smiles and giggles at everything and is quick to respond to the things around him that make him happy. He has fit into our family completely without any reservations. This year for his birthday, he is our child, fully adopted with all of the rights, responsibilities and privileges of any child born into our family. That, my friends, is a good feeling. He is ours! Now and forever!

God has done wonderful things in these past five years. He has shown us ways to complete our family when we weren't sure how that would happen since medically "normally" it wasn't going to happen for us. Now, we have two beautiful boys who are ours completely with no state intervention. We are just an ordinary family with a three year old and a two year old living busy lives, enjoying almost :) every moment!

Celebrating a Year with Baby Number Two

One year ago today, our lives took a permanent change for the better - Baby number two was "born" into our family. On May 27, 2011, he came into our lives first as our foster child, seven months later, as our forever child. He has changed our world so much. He is such a happy baby. His smile is infectious to all those around him. He is so quiet that most times when he is being ornery you aren't even aware that he is :) which can be interesting! His favorite words right now are "Hi, Hi!" He loves balls and jumping. He is the most loving child, loves to cuddle, and hug and kiss. He is very tenderhearted.

God gave me my "baby" in him. He still looks like baby at almost two. He is small for his age and hasn't quite made it into little boy mode yet. He isn't talking much, just babbling. He is finally getting most of his teeth, but just recently. It is a gift really to have a baby this long. It's ok that he is turning into a little boy, it's time for that, but I've appreciated the extra time with a baby.

He fit into our family so well, adapting to all the changes so well. He and his big brother get along quite well and sometimes just like brothers :). He is willing to go with the flow no matter what goes on and is happy while doing it.

This child definitely was born in my heart, maybe not my body. But I cannot imagine life without him in it as a part of our family. He is in my lap as I write "helping" me.

Both of our boys are truly special hand-picked blessings from God! We couldn't have ever picked better for ourselves. This baby has given us so many reasons to smile. It has been a year of watching him grow and truly knowing the joy only a child can bring.

Five to Four

Life changes. A lot from one month to the next it seems. We are back now to being a family of four. And it hurts a lot. It was our choice, in the most technical sense I suppose. We were told we couldn't keep our daughter. And based on recent circumstances with my husband beginning to have seizures and my baby having problems - and most importantly, for the sake of the child - and her attachment to us, if they were taking her regardless, we felt that now would be the best time for it to happen so that she would not be so attached to us that she could not easily transition.

No matter the reasoning, it hurts. And unless you are in this situation, it is impossible to understand. A piece of me is gone. And will be forever I guess. Having to explain to my 3 year old where his "sister" went and why she isn't coming back, looking at her room, her things that didn't go, it's like a death, but she is still living, without me being allowed any contact or knowledge. Many people told us this was the best decision, and in my head, I know they were probably right, my heart knows no such thing. Will it catch up, maybe? Right now, I can't see tomorrow let alone the future.

We got taken off of the foster care and adoption lists because of my husband's illness. Right now, that is so ok with me, I can't even begin to express it. Time with my boys is the only thing that is beginning to be a balm to my soul. Adding another is just not what I want to do right now. Foster care - not something I see for our future.

So many things I could say, so many stories I could tell. This was not an easy placement as far as the foster care side of life went, the social workers, the visitations, ect. We have gone through things I wouldn't wish on anyone. Yet, for this child and for the months we had with her, it was worth it.

Pain is pain, no matter whether anyone can understand the pain or not, whether they believe it to be real or not, whether this was a choice or not. It was a choice we were forced into by the system more than anything. Again, not part of what I want to share here. We have had so many people who have support us and loved us through this time, and to them I say thank you. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for understanding that these are our children while they are in our home - this is a death to us. We grieve, but have no funeral, have no ending, and have no closure. Thank you for allowing us the time to talk or cry and be quiet. Thank you for understanding if nothing else - even if you don't understand, just allowing us to be as we feel we need to be to make it through each day.

And to our little girl: You will always be our little girl. No matter where you end up, you have a place in our hearts. We will pray for you as we have prayed for you for years, that will never stop. We will pray for your safety, for love for you, for acceptance, for a family, for salvation most importantly, for your steps to carry you to prosperity in life. May this time not be a detriment to your soul. May you always remember that you are loved here and may you find love where you are placed and know that this was a choice made outside of our hands. May you have grace as you experience changes and for the small things, may you sleep well, eat well, get along with those you are with, feel peace, be happy. We love you baby.

To my husband, you are going through some rough water - and I love you. We will make it! God has gotten us this far. It's been a rough few weeks. Huge changes have occurred. But we are learning to weather these storms. Be strong. I love you.

To my boys, please know you are ours, you are loved. You don't have to be afraid of leaving. I know life has been crazy the past few weeks and especially this week. But things will even out. Mommy and Daddy love you more than life. And we will do our best to make you feel secure through this transition. You are loved, don't forget.

The small voice of my child singing

I haven't blogged in so long, I just haven't had any idea what to say. It has been a bit of a dark time in my life. Yet, isn't it in the dark times when we need to find the light - even if it is just a pinprick? One of my dear friends, and a person I would consider a mentor encouraged me this week, in the rough times, to remember to look at the joys. So this post is about the joys. Maybe soon I will write about the darker time, it isn't bad to remember it, but today, it is remembering that in the moments where you feel God is silent - He speaks - sometimes through the small voice of your child singing.

The joy this week has been listening to my oldest son spontaneously burst into son singing "My God is So Great" and "I Am So Glad That Our Father in Heaven Tells of His Love in the Book He has Given," and so many other songs, and taking the time to realize that there is so much truth packed into what we might consider a children's song. And while he is singing it, the truth is seeping into his heart. And each song he learns and each verse he memorizes is moving him one step closer to knowing Jesus and going to Heaven. What greater joy is there than that?

Joy is seeing him tell other children that his Daddy's word is law "with both man and frog." Thank you Patch the Pirate. But again, seeing those little truths pop up in his conversations to other kids. Hearing him be a "big bother" to his siblings and watch him learn to love and guide in a way that I'm sure I did as a kid, whether it was appreciated by my little brother or not.

Watching my baby as he grows. Hearing each new word. Seeing his happy face, no matter how sickly he is - he still smiles. Sometimes we can learn joy from our kids. Seeing him learn to jump and try to jump every step he takes across a parking lot and wish that sometimes as adults we had the freedom to jump all the time just because we were so full of life and joy.

Seeing small victories in the life of our little girl. Having days of happiness without tears. Having good interactions between her and our boys. Seeing her utter joy at a birthday cupcake and small presents.

These are the things that life should be about. Yes, times are hard. Days are hard. Sometimes, our kids don't obey, and the whole day feels off - and we hear that voice singing "Angels we have heard on high." And we realize that we are making a difference, even a small one in our kids lives. We are giving them a chance to know Jesus, just as we were given the chance.

And, maybe the biggest lesson I have learned recently is, on the really rough days, where it seems like nothing is going right, my kids are disobeying, they have to be told over and over again, this is how I am to God. I don't obey. I don't listen. I have to be told multiple times. And yet, God in His steadfast love tells me as many times as I need to be told. He never gets angry. He restores the song to my heart and restores me to fellowship. These things are why we go through the bad days - to focus on all the good things - to have a song in our hearts, on our lips, and overflowing from our children.

Lessons from the movie "Courageous"

We watched the movie "Courageous" last night. Date night thanks to Redbox while we both worked :). But, all that to say, it was a fabulous movie. And really struck my heart. I wanted to share those thoughts in light of our foster care/adoption journey. It put a lot of things into perspective for me - one I needed after the stresses of this week. I haven't written anything about it. But this week was another week that I wouldn't want to repeat. Unfortunately, it may be something we repeat over and over. Thanks to some research and some God-placed contacts, we have more knowledge of how to handle the things we are walking through. But overwhelmed is not a big enough word to describe this week. Now, back to the movie. Here are some of my impressions. Hope they touch you as they did me.

It was stated that every child is a gift from God - and of course, I totally agree with this. Not being able to have my own children, and not even being able to be present at the births of the three I have, my children are GIFTS, no question of that. But in light of the gifts - we have to really focus on being thankful for the time that we have with our kids, not angry for the times that we missed. That is hard for me in a foster care situation, and even my adoptions. I am sad I don't know my kids birth stories, I'm sad I don't know when they walked or when they sat up. But rather than focusing on these things, I am going to choose to focus on the present and being thankful for each moment that I do have and the impact I can make TODAY.

It was stated that not having a father really affected one of the men in the movie. He said it had left scars that he hadn't been able to break for 37 years. That made me sad. How many children in the foster care system have neither father nor mother. How many are searching, wishing just for a family. I'm thankful for the husband I have - for the father he is to my children. I'm thankful that my children, Lord willing, will never have to grow up without a father, will never be the statistic of the kids that turn to drugs, alcohol, gangs, ect when they have no male figure present in their lives.

They also mentioned that what we teach our children and how we handle them today is the basis for how they will lead their families in the future. Wow, what a statement. That scares me. I know this to be true. I see in myself how much I do that my parents did whether for good or for bad. And I only have a few short years to impact my children and in actuality their children sometime in the future. This isn't a casual thing that we are doing. Parenting makes such an impact - for this life and for eternity. We don't have any eternal value in the things we do here - work, hobbies. But we have eternal value in the precious little lives of our children. To me, this was the challenge of the movie. Be courageous enough to buck the system of the world's values - show your kids Jesus. Give them things that are valuable enough that they can pass them on to their children. Model for them Christ so that when they are parents they then model Christ as well.

I would watch this movie again and again. I guess this is a plug for the movie. But so many truths packed into 2 short hours. And so many perspective changes that I saw I needed to change. I'm thankful for my kids - they are truly blessings sent from Heaven. Now may I go forward and parent them for the glory of the Almighty God!