Sad

I'm having such a rough day. I'm tired and being tired makes things so much worse than they probably are. I'm sad. We have lost so many children this time around in our adoption process. It really just weighs on me. And I would love to have a baby so much. It's just hard.

When we finally got licensed to foster, the lady told me it would be very quick. Yesterday, another lady told me that you could go months without a child, it just depends on who they need placed.

I am trying to not get caught up in the sadness of this process. Sometimes, it just buries me though. I know that God is totally in control even of the timing and will bring us just the right child. I'm just sad about all the losses.

Wishing and Waiting and Disappointment

Sometimes you know the right things to say in a difficult circumstance, but those same things you know are right are also really hard to hear and even harder to believe. I am having another rough day - one in a string of many now. We lost another child today. Thankfully, we didn't hear about him until last night. But we still were thinking and planning just in case we were chosen to have him live with us forever. We weren't.

I'm so very tired of the ups and downs of adoption. I know with my head that God has the perfect child and situation for us. But in my heart, I am tired of being disappointed, I am tired of waiting. Yes, I suppose all of this sounds rather un-Christian of me. But it is how I feel right now. Disappointment is a part of the adoption process; it just feels like we have had more than our share of it this time around.

I am trying to focus on the positive and cherish the alone time with Austin. But I am still confronted often with news of possible babies or children for us. It is so hard not to hope. I wish I could turn that switch off in my brain. But I can't. So here I am again, crushed with the reality that the child we dreamed of yesterday is not our child of today.

I am telling myself the appropriate things - everything in God's time, He has the perfect child, waiting is not bad, ect. ect. However, right now, those things aren't really very comforting. I'm just sad. I'm tired of hurting. I'm ready to have another child.

Yes, again I have a sad post. One of these days they will be happy. But if I'm honestly writing about my feelings - this is where they are right now. So I still would covet prayers for my emotional state. And hopefully in the next few days I will go back to really believing that we will be blessed with the perfect child that God has for us truly in His time.

Poignant and Pleased

I've been blessed this week to learn that we are moving on in our foster care/adoption process and we are licensed to be foster parents. But as I have said many times before, this knowledge stirs up a multitude of feelings inside me.

Yesterday, we were given an infant car seat, a swing, a baby seat, clothes, bottles, formula, ect from good friends of our, Brett and Andrea. They really furthered our journey so much with these gifts. It allowed us to be ready for a newborns arrival and gave us some things to get started with - all without having to shell out a lot of money. I'm pretty sure they don't realize how touched we were by their gifts.

Having all of these things in my home, however, kind of led to the poignant thoughts of the weekend. I am ready for a newborn. What an amazing thing it will be if God chooses to allow us to have such a small baby even for a time. It is all new to us since we got Austin at a year old, but I am excited none-the-less about having a baby. It is just hard to wait. And I am still struggling a lot with the feelings of fear regarding having to give the baby up.

I know someone who fosters newborns and has had to give babies up, but has also gotten to adopt some of the babies that she fostered. She told me that it helps just to really think about the fact that God will bring the baby along that is right for you to adopt, and the other babies are just ones that you are helping out a little during their walk through this life. That thought has helped me. I don't want a baby that I choose, I want the baby that GOD chose for me.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. And I think much of how God gave up His own Son to die for my awful sin. Giving up a child and the feelings that go with it is something that God is intimately connected with. He promises that He won't give me more than I can handle. I have to rest in that. And when or if the time comes to give up our baby, I will have to remember that God has done this way before I have and He really does understand. I am thankful that He gave His Son so that I could live in Heaven forever. I hope that we can always pass this knowledge on to the children in our homes so that they then can pass it on to those that they encounter throughout their lives.

I am praying much for our next child. And I am trying to be patient. Patience isn't one of my strong suits. It is funny how much you can want something and how scared it can make you at the same time. That is the boat I find myself in now - really, really badly wanting a baby, but scared of having that baby at the same time.

I am choosing right now to cherish this uninterrupted time with my son, knowing that it will change with another child. And since it is Easter weekend, I am also reflecting on how thankful I am for God's precious gift of His Son that has saved me from a life of sin and darkness so that I can live in Heaven for eternity instead of burning in Hell.

Not My Own

I've been struggling some ever since we got the news that we are allowed to foster newborns. It makes me so sad to think about having a child and having to give them up. I know that God won't give us more than we can handle. And I have to trust that. If I didn't the outlook here might look a little bleak. I might think I wouldn't be able to go on. And maybe I will think that when the time comes.

But there is another truth to consider here. My children are not my own. Austin is not my own right now. Yes, we adopted him. So technically forever on this earth, he is ours. However, Austin is God's. And God may choose to take Austin Home at any time. We don't know. God made Austin, and Austin is still God's.

Mothers though out history have clung hard to their children. I totally understand that. No one wants to lose a child. And I don't think very many parents would voluntarily give up their children. However, as Christians, we are called to do that very thing - give up our child - daily, always realizing that God knows best. He loves my children so much more than I do - and I can't imagine loving them more.

I am really tired today. I think that is complicating the feelings in my heart right now. I think about it though, this is no more tired that I will be if I am up with a newborn. So I choose to be thankful.

I am am thankful for this opportunity. We felt the Lord leading us this direction. And now I just have to trust. I have to trust that God will do the best thing for us. I don't want a baby until it is the baby HE has chosen for us. My heart would rush things, but that is not always best.

It is amazing how many things through this life are meant to teach us. The question is, will we learn? I think sometimes it is harder to learn the lesson than choose to ignore it.

I saw something today that struck me. Instead of asking Why? Why me? Ask How? How can I use this situation to grow closer to and bring glory to God? I think that is the key in our situation.

And while I am writing mostly of my scared feelings, I am excited too. This is an interesting road to walk! Imagine having a baby :). I really can't, but I am excited to possibly experience it. And even if God brings us a child again that isn't a newborn, I still will feel blessed to have another child - if only for a moment.

We are licensed

Today we got the email that we are licensed to be foster parents - straight foster parents, not just legal risk foster parents. I think I am happy... And scared...

I think this is a good reminder for me to pray and pray hard. I really would love to have a baby, but I want the baby to come stay with us forever, not just for a few weeks or months, and leave again.

But God knows. He knows the desires of my heart. He knows how much I can handle. And I have to rest in that. Life without our all-knowing God would look pretty bleak. I'm thankful that He sees the big picture that I can't see.

Pray for us. We don't know what our future holds. It's exciting and it's scary at the same time

Giggles and Tents :)

There is nothing sweeter in this life than watching my son and my husband playing together. Today, they made a tent and they are being "monsters" with sheets over their heads. I hope these memories stay with me forever. I am listening to them laugh and giggle!

Austin is learning so many new phrases. He is talking in complete sentences mostly now. And he answers us so matter-of-factly sometimes as if we are kind of silly for asking such crazy questions.

Austin loves to sing. He was in Walmart earlier singing "Jesus Loves Me." It is so precious. He has discovered a love for Patch the Pirate. So we listen to those in the car almost every where we go. He asks for "Pirates."

We bought Austin sheets and a blanket for his big boy bed today. We didn't have success getting him to sleep in it, but that will come with time. And I think potty training is on the schedule for the next few weeks also. We have started and stopped several times, but I think he is ready now.

So many memories that may not mean anything to you, but they mean so much to me.

I had someone mention to me the other night that some people are scared to adopt and sometimes that is why they don't have children. I think that is sad. The things I would miss out on if we hadn't been blessed by adoption!

I am cherishing these times with Austin. While my blog is primarily to journal our walk through our next adoption, I also wanted to reflect and remember special times with Austin. So that is what today is dedicated to.

For My Children

My precious children (even those I have yet to know)

I realize that your lives are going to have questions in them. Why did my biological mommy and daddy give me up? Am I really a part of my adoptive family? What are my roots, where am I really from?

I know that this is probably part of every adoptive child's life. I hope though, that you know that you are loved. You are loved more than anything in this world. You mean so much more to me than a clean house, me-time, spills on the rugs, or anything else that changed when you came into my life. You are precious. You are chosen. You really are my dream-come-true.

I hope you know that the miracle isn't the life that you maybe feel that you have missed out on, it is the life that you have! You are MY miracle! You may not understand it until you have children of your own. But LOVE brought you here - God brought YOU to US! What an amazing thing. And even if you have to go to find answers regarding your past, love brought you here, and love will be waiting for your return. No matter how far you have to go or how long you are gone, we will always be here waiting, loving you completely, never but a phone call away.

I want you to know that we are your parents. It may not be by birth, but I couldn't love my own birthed child any more than I love you. I am writing this at a time when I only have one child. But I am already praying for the next one or ones that God has planned for me.

It is amazing to be part of such a magnificent plan as what God has for me. He has already before the foundation of the world chosen the children that I can call my own. And for that, children of my heart, I hope that you know now and forever that you are loved, you will always be loved, nothing you could do will every change that. You are precious to me, and more importantly precious to God. What a gift He has given us both - we are now a FAMILY!

With my love now and forever,

Your mommy

Abstract to Reality

Sometimes, ideas are just abstract in your mind... That is how our foster care change has been to me. But yesterday, our social worker told us that she was submitting our license change to her supervisor who will decide our fate in this regard - approved or not approved. So this idea went from an abstract idea to potential reality.

Kind of funny the emotions that it brings up in your heart when you realize that what you have talked about and thought about for a while may actually become a reality.

Having adopted already, I have an idea what it must be like for a foster mother. We took Austin from a foster mother... And I know she was sad. But now as I face the reality of possibly being a foster mother myself and giving up children after having them for a while, it is a bit scary!

But I'm really excited to. I think God has brought us to this point with a definite plan in mind. And I'm really interested to see where our lives go from here.

I don't when we will bring another little one into our home. But I am really looking forward to the opportunity that lies before us!

Friends and Prayer Warriors

Sometimes God places people in your life for just the right moment... I am so thankful for that.

I spent an hour today talking with a lady who has come to mean a lot of me. She lets me be honest about my feelings but always ends up pointing me back to Jesus. She never downplays my feelings and actually encourages me to "feel" things as stuffing feelings usually leads to more problems down the road.

I'm thankful for prayers warriors. Women of God who really, truly pray for you. That is what I want to try to be. I want to be that woman that people can depend on to pray for them. I want to be the one that people feel safe talking to.

Speaking of feelings, our social worker told us today that she is submitting our addendum for our foster care license change today or tomorrow. She will let us know when it has been accepted or rejected. It's a little scary to be at this point. I wonder if it will be accepted, and if it is, will I be strong enough to be a good foster mom. And if it isn't, will I be devastated...

All interesting things to reflect on today.

Looking for the silver lining and God's expected end

"Instinctively we want to run from the approaching shadows. But if we would look more closely through the eyes of faith, we'd see a host of angels coming with deliverance and hope. It's really true that with God every cloud has a silver lining."

I read this quote in my devotions last night. Wow, what a breakthrough moment for me. I am scared of approaching shadows. It is sometimes hard to see with eyes of faith. I think also, I like to be in control. I don't like to have to trust. It is easier sometimes to know that I have taken care of something, not having to wait on God to answer the prayer.

However, I know that God actually will answer my prayers so much better than I ever could dream of answering them. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end."

I want God to give me His expected end... I really don't want the end that I am trying to bring about. It won't be as good. So this week, I am going to try to wait patiently. I am going to try not to despair knowing that God is working in all things providing deliverance and hope all to HIS expected end for me.

Still waiting

No news to share yet on our adoption front. Our foster license still has not been changed to reflect that we want to foster newborns. So right now, we are taking it one day at a time, praying that maybe this week will be actually hear that the license has been changed and then that we will hear that we have been chosen to foster or adopt a child.

It has been a rough few weeks for me since losing the baby. I think that I assumed that this wouldn't hurt so much. But it hurts a lot more than you might think. I am glad right now just to make it through each new day. I decided to write this blog to capture my thoughts and feelings through this adoption process. But I haven't written anything for a few days because I just haven't had anything positive to say.

I actually have written several things and gotten rid of them. But if I am truly keeping this as a journal of my thoughts and feelings, then this time in my life matters too. It matters that my heart still yearns for a baby. And it matters that I think often of the baby that we don't have with us. I think of how old he might be and what milestones he might be coming up on.

I have tried to make it a point to be thankful for what I do have. But sometimes I look at Austin and just think of how social he is and how wonderful it would be for him to have a sibling.

I know deep down that this is all in God's perfect plan. His timing is better than my timing. And He has the perfect child chosen for us. But even that knowledge sometimes doesn't take away the hurt. It is funny how sometimes you can get an idea in your head and that idea takes hold and it is really hard to let go of. It has kind of been that way for me with the idea of a baby. I really want to experience a baby just once. I don't mind if we adopt later on and we adopt older kids again. But this time, I really want a very small baby.

I think God knows that. I am trusting Him to bring us the right child. And I know that if it isn't a baby, that I will still know that God is in it, and it will be alright.

It really has been a rough few weeks for me. But even in them, I am thankful for how God is working. I am thankful for my husband and son. I am thankful for the things that I am learning through this process. I pray that God will bring my heart's desire to pass soon. But even if He doesn't, I am thankful for Austin and the joy he brings into our lives each day.

I am thankful for supportive friends. And I am thankful for the prayers that I know people are uttering on our behalf. God is in this process. I am just learning patience - which I have never been very good at!

Thankful!

I haven't written in a couple days, mostly because I don't really have anything of interest to say. I know, the thought of me not having anything to say is amazing to some people, especially those who know me well.

I have been following several blogs of late, especially since starting my own. Each one helps me learn something just by reading about the things other are experiencing and by reading what God is teaching them. I have so much to be thankful for! I want to think on that and write about those things today.

I have a loving husband who cares far more about me than I can every understand - and for him I am thankful! I have a wonderful son. I could go on and on about Austin and how thankful I am to have him in my life. My days are brighter with his smile in it. I am so thankful for his thirst for knowledge. I love to listen to him sing Bible songs. I love to listen to him pray, even at his young age. I love how he loves to laugh. So many things that I would have never experienced if it wasn't for the miracle of adoption. I am thankful for adoption. It is truly a wonderful journey, even through the rough parts. I am thankful for the opportunity to walk this road a second time waiting for our next blessing. I am thankful for my family, all of who support us wholeheartedly in our journey through the adoption process and life.

I am thankful so much for old and new friends. I have learned so much from my friends. I think in particular of one friend who lost a baby a few months ago - she has taught me so much through her blog about her walk through the dark valley. Her testimony has touched me. And even through her grief, she has taken the time to comfort me when I have been sad.

I have another friend who is adopting, and she just found out who her forever children will be! I am excited to watch this process in the lives of others. I have other friends who are in the process of adopting abroad. I love their stories too. All the stories involve God working wonders in their lives. How can you not stop and be thankful!

Many, many other friends walk with me through good times and rough times. They let me talk when I am sad, give me words of encouragement, smile when I smile. Thank the Lord for these friends, even though most of them are spread throughout this country and even the world!

It is amazing to stop and think how blessed we really are. I have a wonderful family, a stable job, a warm home, loving family and friends, most importantly a God who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and present with me at all times!

I was thinking back over the last few years. How hard would life be without having the knowledge that God orders our steps? If just left to chance, I think this world would be a very scary place. I think of the verse in the Psalms that says "The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down for the Lord upholdeth him with His hand." Wow! Wonderful promise.

I was thinking along these lines yesterday, worrying about when our foster license would be changed and when our next baby would come home. But it doesn't matter. God has all of this in His hand. He knows exactly what is going on. He knows when things will get done and when our baby will come home. That really is comforting if you take the time to reflect on it.

I think sometimes my glass half-empty nature gets the best of me. I look at all of the overwhelming possibilities and worry, worry, worry. I don't have to. I just need to take the time to reflect on what I HAVE - right now - and be thankful! And then I just need to rest in God knowing that He will not withhold good things from those who wait on Him.

Being Content

I have realized lately that maybe throughout this adoption process, I have become a bit discontent. I have a beautiful little boy that I love more than anything. And he is enough.

You are asking why in the world I would need to tell myself this. Mainly because now that the idea of another child looms on the horizon, I find myself being discontent with only one child. I think of all the fun Austin would have with a brother or sister. I think about how I don't want him to grow up as an only child.

But then I am reminded, sometimes God only blesses people with one child. And that one child is still an amazing blessing from God! It's funny how the things we want sometimes overpower our reasoning and we become discontent even when we have already been blessed beyond measure.

God knows our future. He knows the desires of my heart. And He will do what is best for me. I have seen God work time and time again. But it is easy to forget when you are in the midst of turmoil.

I am so thankful to know that I can be content in the place that I am at right now. I don't have to have anything else to make my life better. My life is wonderful just the way it is. If God chooses to bless us with another child, then we will be doubly blessed. But if He doesn't ever send us another child, we have the perfect child for our family right now. And he is our forever. And in that I will be content!

True Faith Vs. Anxiety

"The beginning of anxiety if the end of faith; the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety." George Meuller.

Sometimes it is interesting how you read things that you need so much! God really place things in your way to make you think or encourage or challenge you. I would say that this quote did all three things for me.

This adoption process really is a source of anxiety for me. I don't know who our children are, when they will come, their ages, their sexes, their diseases, their behaviors, ect. I worry each time we are presented with possibilities. I worry when they don't work out. I worry, I worry, I worry.

Yes, I know. Not a very Christian thing to admit. However, it is the dark, ugly truth. Waiting has to be one of the hardest things about this process. It makes me crazy sometimes... Each time we hear about a child, I just want THIS ONE to work out. I just want to be done.

But, I have to trust. I have to stop being anxious. I have to have true faith to know that God truly knows what is best for us. He knows who our children are, where they are, what their backgrounds are, when they will come home, how they will adjust. He knows all of this. He knows better than I do. He knows the right child for our family. I would take the first child I hear of. But instead, those kids aren't the BEST for us and we want God's best!!

Anxiety. It really does rob you of your joy. True faith is so much better if not even the easier route. I just need to remember that.

Thankfully, God puts little reminders in my path each day to draw my thoughts back to Him, to remind me that He will do what is best for us, and that everything will happen in His time - and that is the most wonderful thought of all!

Sometimes no news is better

Something that people who haven't adopted probably don't realize is how many losses you experience as you wait to adopt... We have had our hearts set on so many babies or children only to have things not work out... It is almost to the point with us now that we just want to not know. We want that surprise phone call that says Yay! You have a baby. Instead, what you get are a lot of dead ends, that you really hope will work out, only they never do...

I suppose with some of them, especially the ones that really seem to be working out, you could compare it to having a miscarriage - only 10 to 15 times before your one child comes home...

This probably sounds like a depressing post. And maybe it is... I try to be upbeat and happy. But seriously, this process really gets to you. It's hard to hear about kids that need help, it's hard to want them, and it's hard when things don't work out...

We have gotten to the point where we don't want to tell anyone about opportunities that arise because we don't want to have to tell people that that same opportunity fell though. You would like to think you could hear about a baby or kids and distance yourself and just no think about it. But it really doesn't work that way, at least not for me. I always wish and wonder and plan and hope and pray...

I just really sometimes don't know how much more my heart can take. I just take comfort in the fact that I know that my God is in control. He is bigger than this difficulty. And He won't give me more than I can handle. All of these things are true. And I can be comforted by them... Now to just remind myself of that a million times each day.

For this reason, maybe more than any other, I appreciate those of you lifting us up in prayer. Pray for our emotions - we are frail. Pray for the RIGHT baby. That is the most important thing in all of this. We want that baby that God wants for us.

But at this point, I'm praying that maybe soon we really would hear about our next baby. It is so hard to go through this again and again... God does know how much I can handle and at times, I think I might be at my limit.