Gentle reminders in struggles

**** This post may have TMI in it for some people... fair warning...

I am having a rough day. Yesterday was my one year anniversary for my hysterectomy. And last night I was sicker than I have been for a long time and today has been horrible. Some things you just can't imagine prior to going through it. In my case, it is menopause and hormonal imbalance. I have been having horrible migraines lately. So I went off my estrogen/progesterone birth control pill and went on only progesterone. Incredible increase in hot flashes. Wow, those things are not fun at all. Horrible cold chills then hot flash, then cold chills where you freeze because you were so hot previously. Not fun... And if that isn't bad enough, I'm beginning to feel like I am losing my mind. My emotions are out of control. This happened right after surgery when I was on only estrogen. And I thought the progesterone helped. But apparently, my body requires quite the mix of both hormones. I am on try number eight to get this all right. And I'm telling you it isn't right yet.

I hate myself during these times. I get extremely irritable. And I feel like I have lost control of my emotions. It is not a good feeling. Plus the intense tiredness and nausea that has come with these pills for some reason. I haven't been able to eat much in a couple days now.

This isn't what I had pictured when I had the surgery. I thought a year out I would be the picture of health. That is hard to take. I want to be the best mommy I can be. And right now I am struggling to hold it together. I just want to live close to family. I need help right now and it is hard not to have anyone. Thankfully my mom is coming in next week, so if I can just hold out.

Yet, I say all of this, and I'm feeling all sorry for myself, and God comes along and gently reminds me that this isn't that big of a trial really. It seems like it is for me, but I could have it worse. I looked through my blog list today and caught up on one with a family who has a 5 year old with cancer. How hard would that be. I just can't even imagine.

Here I am with two beautiful healthy children. They didn't come the way I thought they would, and yet that makes them even more special. Today has been a hard day with both of them. Neither one feels well, and I don't feel well. So we have had our behavior struggles on all sides today. But they are still happy, and healthy, and here even. Not everyone can say that. Lots of people have lost children. I still have mine (even though we have definitely experienced loss).

So all of this to say, I am struggling a lot, but I am thankful. I hope I can keep this in front of me as I struggle through all of these changes in my body. I am thankful for the gentle reminders God gives me when I feel like I am losing it all together. I am thankful to know that he cares about me even in this.

Tough Decisions

We made a huge decision at 6 am today. We decided to put our foster license on hold for a time. We had gotten 5 calls over the last week for children. The child this morning had me really tempted. But when we talked about it, we decided that we have two wonderful children and if we add another right now and have 3 kids 2 years and under then we have no time to adequately spend with the children we have. And I don't want that. I wanted to be a mommy and work from home to really spend time with my kids. With 2 babies and a 2 year old, I would be just shuffling from one to another.

It was a hard decision for me. There are so very many children who need homes. And I desperately want a newborn someday. But we strongly feel that someday will still come when our boys are a bit older.

We also have other considerations, my health being one of them. I am doing great compared to last year, but I definitely still have problems. So adding more pressure and less sleep would be a whole lot harder for me. And we would have to put the boys in the same room. With the baby experiencing night terrors, that would just really disrupt Austin's sleep. So we need to get that figured out too.

I want to be a responsible mommy. I want to enjoy the kids I have. I want to foster later on in my life, and then I can have as many kids in whatever age I want. But right now, I want to make sure that I spend my time now in an appropriate way for our family - spending time teaching our kids about God, about life, about loving others. Those things are important too, just as all those poor kids without families are important.

That time will come again soon for us, but we need a break from the heart breaking phone calls too. It's so hard to say no. And we just don't feel the time is right yet for our family. We have only had the baby for 3 months. I want a bit more time for him to adjust

Almost one year anniversary

I was thinking that in just two days, it will be my one year anniversary of having my hysterectomy. This isn't something I talk about with very many people. But it is a fact that it happened, and it has shaped the course of our lives - a God-planned change from what I wanted.

It has been a good year for me. I have felt a lot better than I really ever have. I am still having issues that need resolving. Migraines from hormonal imbalance, hot flashes - that I am here to tell you are NOT fun in any way, some infection still. But all in all, I am really glad I had the surgery.

The emotional toll is still something that I have to get through at times. I am still sad that I will never, ever get to be pregnant. But I have two beautiful children. I am so thankful for them. They are special in so many ways, one of which that they were God-chosen for our family after they were born into other families. That is so neat. They will have quite the stories to tell.

I still go through my heart-pangs when I hear that people are pregnant. I still feel sad when I see newborns, having never experienced that. But God knows what He is doing. Being healthier is such a blessing to me and to my family. I couldn't be the mother that I want to be if I hadn't had the surgery. In fact, I may not even be alive right now. That is such an amazing thing to me. There were days at this time last year that I truly thought I wouldn't live. And I'm not sure the doctors thought so either. I was headed to death's door because of severe infection. God rescued me from that.

Now I am able to be a better mommy and I even have baby number two that wasn't really a thought at this time last year. All in all, even though it was a hard thing to go through, and at times, still is, I'm glad it is over. I'm glad I am better. And I am thankful for my family and close friends who have supported me physically and emotionally through it all.

Something I haven't really addressed is my husband's wonderful attitude during all of this. He could easily have his own children, yet he is so gracious in loving me despite my inability to give him blood children. He supported adoption from the moment we discussed it before we were married. I am a blessed woman. He is the sweetest man that a woman could ask for. He is tender and understanding in the midst of illness and emotional turmoil. Thank you God for my husband and for the gift of my life!

Boys update :)

Tomorrow we have had our baby boy for three months. It's hard to believe how much time flies. He is 12 months now, walking, with four teeth, drinking from a hard-topped sippy cup, and eating all normal food, with no pacifier and virtually no bottle. He is a fairly easy baby, a bit fussy at times, but so fun to be around, with giggles and laughs for all around him.

We have been so blessed by this precious addition to our family. Only about 3 1/2 weeks to go before we find out if he is permanently ours. That day can't come soon enough.

Austin is doing pretty well with him. The boys have started playing together a lot of more in the past few days and enjoying each other. Austin loves to make the baby laugh. He thinks it is great to help mommy with the baby. He is learning gentleness, although that is still honestly a work in progress.

Austin has made incredible achievements in the potty training realm this week. Mommy is so proud of him. He has pretty much mastered going number one. And he has gone number two twice in the last two days, which if you have potty trained, you can image how much of a feat this was for him! He is quite excited with his mastery of this new skill as well!

Austin is learning so much about God! I am so proud of his intuition to ask deep questions and really try to understand the quite grown up concepts of Who God is, where He lives, how He interacts with us in our daily lives, ect. I am also humbled by how much Austin watches in my life and wants to learn because of how my husband and I live and talk about our God to him.

Someone asked me today if I knew what parenting was like before I started this journey, would I have done it. She felt that most people would not. However, while it is quite a ride, one that you cannot foresee most thing in it, I would not for one second give it up or not have done it. I can only be grateful that I am a privileged woman whom God has seen fit to allow to be blessed with children. Not all have this responsibility. And while there are days where it is very difficult, the small joys of every day are there and the rewards are much greater to me than the pressure that parenting brings!

Foster Care Quandries

In the last two days, we have had two calls from foster care placement wanting us to take children. It is such a hard decision for me. We have a 2 year old and a 1 year old. I am quite busy as it is. Plus the fact that Austin is still recovering from our last foster child. While you may think that is a crazy statement, it is true. It really scared him to watch her leave and realize that she never came back. Every time someone comes into our home now, Austin asks them where he has to go. His behavior gets very out of control because he thinks then they won't want him. We are having to reassure him every single time we have a visit with our current baby's social worker, or guardian ad litem, or foster home development, that he is safe. He is ours forever. It is very sad.

Also, our baby is having horrible night terrors. It is a sad thing for a mommy to watch. While I am not at all stressed out about it, more sad, it is still a factor in choosing to take another child. It is better for now for baby to have his own room...

It is hard in foster care to not have a "save the world" syndrome. You want so badly to take every child. But we also have to decide what is best for our family. We told the foster placement team that we would help with respite care - just babysitting essentially for a few days, or we would take a newborn. So for now, those are the things we want to do. Having a 1 and a 2 year old is quite a lot for me right now. My health has been having some issues. And I just want to enjoy the children that I have for a while.

However, all that said, it doesn't stop the guilt of knowing that they want you to take a child and having to say no. I want so badly to help as many children as I can, but that will come in time. It is a heart wrenching situation that we seem to be in. But my boys that I have forever take precedence in what our family needs.

For people considering foster care, there are so many aspects that you just can't even fathom until you get in the middle of it all. I am thankful that God has chosen to bless us in this way. I pray that we will have more children come through our doors someday. And I also pray that God will show us exactly when that time is.

Heart Break

Sometimes being involved in foster care is heart breaking... I mean utterly, heart breaking. Things have gone on this week that I can't write here. But I can say that every single child who walks through your doors touches your heart in some way. And when you hear sad things about them, it breaks your heart into pieces.

I have held on to my boys so tightly thanking the Lord for taking them out of their situations long before they will remember them. I pray that my boys will know absolute love. I pray that they will see God in us. This song below portrays exactly how my husband and I feel about loving our children.

Phillips Craig & Dean - I Want to Be Just Like You Lyrics

*Lord, I want to be just like You
'Cause he wants to be just like me
I want to be a holy example
For his innocent eyes to see
Help me be a living Bible, Lord
That my little boy can read
Lord I want to be just like You
'Cause he wants to be like me

He climbs in my lap for a goodnight hug
He calls me Dad and I call him Bub
With his faded old pillow and a bear named Pooh
He snuggles up close and says, "I want to be like you"
I tuck him in bed and I kiss him goodnight
Trippin' over the toys as I turn out the light
And I whisper a prayer that someday he'll see
He's got a father in God 'cause he's seen Jesus in me

*Got to admit I've got so far to go
Make so many mistakes and I'm sure that You know
Sometimes it seems no matter how hard I try
With all the pressures in life I just can't get it all right
But I'm trying so hard to learn from the best
Being patient and kind, filled with Your tenderness
'Cause I know that he'll learn from the things that he sees
And the Jesus he finds will be the Jesus in me

Right now from where he stands I may seem mighty tall
But it's only 'cause I'm learning from the best Father of them

Planting Seeds

Sometimes it is intensely humbling to realize how much you are responsible to teach your children about God. We are His ambassadors to our children to bring them to a knowledge of Him. Wow. Today, I was so pleased in a conversation with my son to realize how much is sinking in at the tender age of 2. We were listening to a Patch the Pirate CD in the car. Austin knows almost all of the songs - and some of them are rather complicated for a small child. Then all of the sudden he said, "Mommy, God made the whole world." And so we discussed that thought for a while and he got quiet.

Then he said "Mommy, they just said 'Heaven.'" I agreed that it is what they had said and asked him if he knew where Heaven was. His answer - "at the Throne of God." Impressive! I was so amazed at his answer. And so excited! He is listening and learning and beginning to understand. We talked about how you get to Heaven. And He said "Jesus loves me this I know, right Mommy?"

I hope and pray that my children come to a true knowledge of Jesus at a very early age. I pray that they grow to know Jesus and to live a real life before Him. I know that we will make many mistakes as parents. But I pray that we won't fail in the most important task - showing Jesus to our kids! Thank you, Lord for the seeds growing in Austin's heart!

Time for Joy, Time for Tears

I have been blessed beyond measure with my two boys. And I am so thankful for them. I love them so much that it hurt sometimes. And sometimes other things hurt too about this adoption process. One of those things occurred today. Austin found a photo album with 7 pictures in it from when he was a newborn. I looked at them with him and told him that it was Austin when he was just born. But that is all I could tell him. I wasn't there for that whole first year of his life. I can't tell him when he first smiled, when he first rolled over, what he wore home from the hospital. I wasn't there. That is so hard.

While this just tears me up inside, it also makes me so thankful for the "firsts" that I have been a part of. I am glad that we got to see him take his first steps, say his first sentences, work on potty training, ect.

I was in Walmart parking lot yesterday and I saw a mother screaming at her son, swearing at him, calling him names, ect because he didn't do something that she thought he should do. It make me so sad. Kids are such a blessing from God. And so many parents don't realize the blessing they have been given in their children. They don't realize how amazing it really is to have a newborn from your own body, bring them home, watch them sleep, eat, grow.

These days are precious to me. I am thankful for my boys. I want to be the best mommy I can be. I want them to grow in the knowledge of the Savior and in favor with God and with man. I want my boys to grow into Godly young men who know they are loved by the family they were adopted into. I want them to never wonder about our love, even if we can't tell them about the first year of their lives. I hope they know that beyond all doubt, we love them much more than we ever love ourselves!

Precoius Memories

Tonight, Daniel and Austin were sitting on the couch looking at pictures of Austin a year or so ago. Daniel was explaining to Austin how he came to live with us and how we visited him, his adoption, his growth from crawling to walking ect. It was such a wonderful experience to watch Austin talk about his "doption" with Daniel. He never says "A-doption." We have decided that they will always know they are adopted, and they will know that they were chosen for our family. We want the kids we have to know how special they are to us and how special it is that they came into our family at just the right time in just the right way.

We were reminiscing by watching home movies of Austin those first days we visited him. Those almost brought me to tears. God has blessed us so richly with our children! We were a bit stressed out during that time. We found out that we had been chosen for Austin, then we had to wait three weeks before we could see him the first time because we had to be licensed for foster care. Then for three weeks straight we drove an hour each way every night after work to visit him. Then we had two different overnight visits where he came home, but we had to take him back. Then finally, we got to bring him home for good. Then five months later, we adopted him.

Remembering those special first days is so amazing to me. And now we get to experience those "firsts" again with our second baby. I was thinking today how wonderfully blessed I am. The baby has had a fussy day. I'm not sure why, but he has been a bit needier today. And sometimes that can be frustrating if you are trying to get things done or just simply can't figure out why the baby is crying. But I am just so thankful for my kids. That doesn't mean I get frustrated. But today it meant that I reflected on how blessed I was to have them. Our time with the baby is still tenuous, he isn't ours forever yet. And I am cherishing every minute, even the fussy ones.

I have been working hard on potty training with Austin. And again, that could be frustrating. But looking back on those precious first memories, it just makes me think that I am the most blessed woman in America. I am so thankful that I can potty train him. I am thankful he came home long before it was time for that. I am thankful for a happy child who loves life to the fullest and makes me love life so much more than I ever did.

These are probably things that don't mean much to other people. But I am so blessed. God has given me so much more than I could have ever asked or thought of. and I am thankful to Him. I have two precious boys. I hope I am being the mommy they need. And I hope that even though they know that they are adopted that they will know that they are the most special thing to me in my life besides God and my husband. I LOVE you boys with all of my heart!

Letter to our baby boy on his first birthday!

Dear Baby boy, I wanted to write you a letter today on your first birthday. I hope that you know that your mommy, daddy, and brother love you so much, even more than life itself. We are so thankful that God chose you to place into our family. We think you are a perfect fit. And we want you to know that today and forever, you will be our son.

Your life hasn't been perfect thus far, but don't worry, no ones really is. From the day we brought you home though, we have endeavored and will continue to give you a stable home, a loving environment, with a lot of fun thrown in all while you learn to love Jesus first and others second.

I don't really know the time you were born today or how much you weighed. Those are things most moms revel in telling everyone. I just want everyone to know that you are special because you were born on this day and even though I didn't know you that day, I know you now and you are even more special because of the circumstances surrounding how you came to join our family.

Some will say to you someday that your skin color isn't the same as your mommy and daddy. And that is true. But you know what, we just don't care. You are the perfect fit for our family. I think you are the most handsome little man. Skin color is just outside adornment. Inside is what really matters, son, please don't forget that.

I hope that one day you will remember that we loved you from the minute we heard about you. We knew in our hearts that you were our son. You were the perfect fit for us as parents and for Austin as your brother. And I hope someday, you know what it is like to be a big brother to more kids that God joins our family with.

Happy Birthday, my son! Know we love you more than anything in this world. Know that you are special - created with a purpose in mind.

Love always and forever,
Mommy

Baby Birthday and Our Anniversary

I meant to write a note yesterday and just never got to it... Yesterday was our 4th anniversary. It's amazing how time flies. I remember being all caught up in the wedding hype, even though my husband would have loved to just elope (not that I think that's a bad idea now :). I wanted my day in my white dress, with flowers, and cake, and friends, and family. We had a wonderful wedding day surrounded by the family and friends we loved... And thankfully, that only happens once in your life because it is A LOT of stress :). It has been a good 4 years. Crazy, at times, but good! I can't imagine a better person to go through this life with. And we are now blessed with two very special God-given boys!

Now, on to one of those boys. Today is baby's first birthday! I would say it's hard to believe he is one and how time flies, but of course, we have only had him for two months. So instead I will say, Happy Birthday Baby and I'm so glad that God brought you into our lives. We couldn't have been blessed with a happier, more wonderful baby.

I was a bit sad yesterday, we were shopping for things to put on the baby's room walls to make it look more like a little boy room and less like a guest room. We found a baby wall hanging, and it was really cute. Then I looked closer. It was supposed to have one picture for each month of the first year of the baby's life. I can't put pictures in except from 9 months on. That was a little dose of reality. However, even though I am a bit sad on missing out on the first part of his life. I am extremely thankful to have him for his first birthday.

Looking back I realized that for Austin's first birthday, while we did celebrate it, we celebrated it at his foster parent's house. We were just guests. So for baby number 2, I am very thankful that we celebrate his first birthday with him in our home - not as guests but as parents.

God has blessed us in the 4 years we have been married. I realized that for 3 of those years we have been in some kind of an adoption process. God has been so good to us. When we first started the process we were told never to expect small babies from foster care. Yet baby number 1 was 12 months old when we brought him home - 6 days after his 1st birthday, and baby number 2 came home at 9 months. God has worked miracles in our lives. While I would never be perfectly honest if I didn't say that I am hoping that someday a baby will join our home at birth, I am still so amazingly blessed and thankful for the precious children God has given us. He hand-picked them for us. They are perfect for our family, even though they are from two different sets of parents. Adoption is a blessing from God.

On that day when we said our vows, we had no idea where life would take us. We had already decided to adopt knowing that we probably wouldn't ever have children of our own. Standing on this day looking back, I'd say God has worked miracles in our lives greater things of which we could never ask or think!

Confessions... about silly things

So this is a ridiculous confession. I have always wanted to do one of those ticker things that tracks pregnancy... Of course, that isn't ever going to happen... So one of my friends did one for waiting to adopt. So I stole her idea. I made one for waiting to adopt our baby and one for how long we have had Austin. Now I have two :). Such a silly thing, but when you really wish you could do something like be pregnant, sometimes it's the little things like an adoption ticker that make your heart smile. I love my boys! P.S. you can see my "tickers" on the side of my blog

Mommy lessons

I really want to be a good mommy. I want my kids to love me, but most importantly, I want them to grow to be obedient, wonderful children who people love to be around because of how polite and enjoyable they are. I know that I don't achieve these goals very often. I have found that sometimes it is easier to be soft than to stick to my guns. However, I have also found that when trying to teach lessons to my kids, not everyone is receptive.

We were in Walmart today and Austin was helping me load the thing we were buying onto the belt to go to the cashier. He wasn't being the neatest of course, being two. But he was really, honestly helping. So I encouraged him and told him thank you. The cashier, under his breath, said "yeah, so helpful." I told the man, that while I understood that Austin may not be the neatest, I found it important to try to encourage him to do helpful things now so that he will continue that trend as he grows older.

I know some people may not agree with my reasoning, but I'm not sure shushing your child and asking them to not help is great either. We are already trying to encourage Austin to help pick up toys, help with groceries, ect. He isn't the fastest or the best at it, but he really enjoys helping and I think that is what is important.

I'm also learning that with a two year old, sometimes sticking to your guns is the best thing to help them learn a lesson. That isn't easy for me, especially in public. I just want to give in to make him happy so that he is quiet. That isn't teaching him any lessons. Today, I stuck to my guns. I told him no and we walked out of a store without his coveted sucker. I hope that lesson will stick.

I love my boys so much. I want them to know I love them. But I also want them to grow up learning manners and how to behave correctly in public. I don't pray enough for my boys or for my parenting. I am not anyways near a perfect mother. In fact, I think honestly, I'm pretty horrible at it. But I hope someday, my boys will know that their mommy loves them and wanted only the best for them, even if it means they didn't always get what they wanted when they wanted it

Asthma

Wow, What a week. Sometimes, you just have those weeks that you wish would hurry up and be done. We are having one. Our precious baby boy is very sick. I have thought for a while now that he has asthma. Well, today proved that. He is having an acute asthma attack. He had to get a breathing treatment at the doctor's office and now we are doing them at home, along with steroids and allergy medicine.

I don't know how I was blessed with two boys from DIFFERENT families that both have asthma. But I am just thankful that it is a disease that I am familiar with (I have it myself). That makes taking care of them a lot easier.

I am really hoping that the stress of yesterday didn't bring this on for the baby. That was a stressful day for everyone. God is good, all the time though. And we will get through all of this. I am thankful for good medical care. I am wishing we had family here though. We are both very tired after all of this. I just want a big hug!

Court

Well, court. It's over. I'm glad to say that. It was a very strange experience. It was sad to me. So many people there potentially losing their children. We were one of fifteen cases. And we actually didn't even stay through ours. Poor baby giggled and got thrown out of court - starting early in life LOL! I didn't even notice the court security telling Daniel to leave with him. You can tell I was paying a ton of attention. I assumed Daniel just decided to take him out.

Things didn't go the way we were hoping they would. So our case is scheduled to go before a judge again September. We really wanted it to be over today. But the lawyer said she really felt things would go our way. We shouldn't have to go anymore, for which I am thankful. It was very nerve-wracking for me. It wasn't as emotional as I thought it would be.

I appreciate all the support we have gotten from our family and friends. We still have about six weeks to go before this should all be over. So we definitely still covet your prayers. Everyone seems fairly positive that everything will turn out fine for us int he end. I am praying that is the case. I just can't imagine losing our precious baby. I watched him sleep this morning and just about died thinking about losing him. I just pray God won't ask that of us.

September can't get here fast enough for me. But I am thankful that until then, we still have our baby and we can enjoy every minute of our two sons - trusting that in the end, everything WILL work out in our favor. And now, maybe I can eat and sleep again knowing this is over.

Thankful for Prayer Warriors

I am so thankful for the promise that the Holy Spirit will pray for us before the Father when we are unable to form the words to pray. That is where I am... all I can get out seems to be "Lord, please don't take my baby." It seems a bit ridiculous to feel this upset about a court date. But I am. I am so concerned that something will go horribly wrong and our baby will be taken. I don't think logically that will happen. But logic has fled right now.

I am thankful for those upholding us in prayer. We couldn't have made it this far without you. I will update more later hopefully with good news that this is all over. But if not, we will covet your prayer support until it is done.

The boys are outside running through the sprinkler laughing and enjoying themselves... I am so thankful for my boys!

To Re-License or Not to Re-License That is Today's Question

Ugh... Just got our packet in the mail for our foster care re-licensing process. I'm not even sure I want to re-license let alone want to go through the stress of doing it right now. That's not totally true, I do want to continue adopting, but this time has been so stressful that it is hard to think past what is currently going on. And then we aren't sure whether we want to re-license as straight foster parents or just as legal-risk foster parents so that adoption is really our only option.

Right now all I want is for it to be 5 pm tomorrow so that this court date will be behind us. Then we will know what is going to happen, how long this adoption is going to take, whether we have to go back to court, ect. This has been a very difficult time for me. I am very tearful and not feeling well - probably due to the emotion of having to go to court at all... I just can't even think of losing another child this year - especially one we have had for so long.

I pray we have the clarity of mind to choose how to proceed. Based on our home size, we only can have one more child, so we have to decide which way we want to go, foster or adopt. I think maybe I am leaning towards adoption only, but there is that part of me that really wants my newborn, which would mean fostering... Oh the choices...

The meeting to re-license doesn't occur for a week and a half, so maybe we can just wait until after tomorrow to decide which way to go... That sounds reasonable to my mind that is essentially mush right now...

Prayer Requests and Celebrations

It's August already. And as of last week, we have had our precious baby number 2 for 2 months. It's crazy how time flies. And it is amazing to me how much you can love someone after only knowing them for 2 months. I love this child more than I can even imagine.

And because of that immense love, I am scared. Things haven't progressed as well as we would like them to with our adoption. In fact, we are headed to court this week with him. We are praying so hard that things will work out and be done on that day. If they aren't, then we will have another court date probably in September - one that we won't have to attend...But I am praying that it will be over this month. It is so scary having things be in limbo. We keep being assured that everything will work out fine in our favor. However, the social worker did remind me that parents who have children biologically don't have complete control over what happens to their children...

So all of this reminds me that life is just a vapor... Austin is ours forever, and we could lose him someday. I pray with all my heart that it doesn't happen. But God knows who our children are, how long they will be with us. And He is asking me to give Him complete control. The control freak in me finds that to be very difficult. I want things to be done. I want to be assured that I will have my children forever. But God doesn't promise us that. He wants us to give our children back to Him.

So pray with me that I will do that. But also pray that if the Lord wills that things will work out and be over so that our adoption can go through this month... I am so thankful for the children God has brought into my life. We are celebrating Baby this month. He turns one next week - the day after my husband and my fourth anniversary. Crazy to think that we have been married for four years already, have two children, and a cat :). I am thankful for my life and how God has arranged it - even if it isn't necessarily the way that I envisioned it as a teenager :) Adoption is such a blessing! Again I implore you to pray with us for God's will in our situation this week