Yesterday I had an appointment, so I was by myself for a few hours - a rather rare occurrence for me these days. I came home to the news that our adoption is being drawn out. I was worried to say the least. And when I walked in the house, it was clean, mopped, swept, dishes done, ect. What a wonderful feeling to know that you have a team-mate in this life who is willing to do everything for you to make your life easier. I am thankful for my husband. We are about two weeks from our four year anniversary. And I can honestly say that God gave me a wonderful mate - someone who has stood by some of the most difficult trials of my life. I am thankful for him!
Last night, we were watching SuperNanny - a favorite in this early parenting time for us - and she made the comment that each parent had obstacles to overcome in their parenting styles, but it was all made easier when both parents were on the same page. I have to agree. I know that each person brings their own life experiences to the parenting table, and each person has their own weaknesses. But I have seen that working together does strengthen those weaknesses on both sides.
During this time in our lives that feels quite uncertain, I am glad for someone to walk through this time with. I am glad that God gave me a partner. I think often of those who have to be single parents. I applaud them. Parenting is the hardest job I have ever had (and the most rewarding). I appreciate my husband being a stable source of confidence and comfort for me!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Being Transparent - Under Stress
We got some not-so-great news today. The journey to adoption that we thought was over except the court part... isn't actually over. What should have happened, didn't. Now, we are in a longer battle towards the finish. We have been assured that our baby will not be taken from us. And I wish I believed that assurance. But I have seen things fall through. So right now I am terrified.
And a bit angry... Why, you ask? Because in my heart, this child is MY child. He isn't a foster child that I know will leave, this is my forever child of my heart. The thought of losing him makes me want to grieve with all I have, and it makes me angry. Why would someone put us through this?
I don't know the answer besides life isn't always fair and it doesn't always go the way you hope it will. I'm begging for the prayer support of those who know and love us. We go on Thursday to court to hopefully find out what our future holds... I.e. whether there is more court before an adoptive placement becomes a reality, or if we can move on to adoptive placement that day.
In a legal risk adoption situation, until you have adoptive placement, you never know how things will go... It is scary. I'm trying to be transparent in my feelings for people who may be thinking of walking this road. I'm scared. Flat terrified. I can't imagine losing this child. He really is a child of my heart. I love him. Period. Nothing more to say, I love him. I can't watch him walk out my door. I will die. I know I won't literally die, but my heart might die.
Overly dramatic, maybe? But having experienced the loss of a child who we knew was straight foster, I know it is very difficult... And losing a child who is to be yours who you have bonded with? I can't even begin to imagine the feelings of loss.
Our God is a big God. He can walk these waters before us. He already knows the outcome. Knowing all of this, I'm still scared. We keep getting assurances that it will be ok. But we need that paperwork that says he is in your home ONLY to be adopted. Then, it will feel like it is all right to breathe again.
And a bit angry... Why, you ask? Because in my heart, this child is MY child. He isn't a foster child that I know will leave, this is my forever child of my heart. The thought of losing him makes me want to grieve with all I have, and it makes me angry. Why would someone put us through this?
I don't know the answer besides life isn't always fair and it doesn't always go the way you hope it will. I'm begging for the prayer support of those who know and love us. We go on Thursday to court to hopefully find out what our future holds... I.e. whether there is more court before an adoptive placement becomes a reality, or if we can move on to adoptive placement that day.
In a legal risk adoption situation, until you have adoptive placement, you never know how things will go... It is scary. I'm trying to be transparent in my feelings for people who may be thinking of walking this road. I'm scared. Flat terrified. I can't imagine losing this child. He really is a child of my heart. I love him. Period. Nothing more to say, I love him. I can't watch him walk out my door. I will die. I know I won't literally die, but my heart might die.
Overly dramatic, maybe? But having experienced the loss of a child who we knew was straight foster, I know it is very difficult... And losing a child who is to be yours who you have bonded with? I can't even begin to imagine the feelings of loss.
Our God is a big God. He can walk these waters before us. He already knows the outcome. Knowing all of this, I'm still scared. We keep getting assurances that it will be ok. But we need that paperwork that says he is in your home ONLY to be adopted. Then, it will feel like it is all right to breathe again.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Out of Grief Comes Joy
I have been reflecting this week on the immense changes in my life this past year. Last year at this time I was in the hospital very, very sick from an infection that threatened to take my life. I was grieving the possibility and eventual reality of a hysterectomy and knowing that having children of my own was never going to happen. I was then recovering from surgery not even able to pick up or hold my precious Austin, spending six weeks away from my husband so that he could work and I could have help during my recovery. It was a very difficult period in my life.
But it all worked out for good... I am healthier than I ever have been in my life - not without problems - but feeling so much less pain and so much more energy. And now I have a baby again (not a newborn, but a baby none-the-less). God has richly blessed me. He used a painful, scary situation for good. He has allowed me to feel well enough to be a better wife and mother. And He gave us another son. I'm so thankful.
There were days when I thought I would die, and Austin would not have a mother. Yet, a year later, here I am. I realize that our lives are a vapor, and it makes each minute of breathing more precious. Children are a gift, no matter how they enter your life. I have experience loss and grief. It is hard knowing I will never be pregnant, never go through labor, never have a child formed by God in my womb. But I have two wonderful children who God knit FOR ME in another mother's womb. And that is a precious, amazing gift. Our of grief comes joy. A time for tears and a time for joy!
But it all worked out for good... I am healthier than I ever have been in my life - not without problems - but feeling so much less pain and so much more energy. And now I have a baby again (not a newborn, but a baby none-the-less). God has richly blessed me. He used a painful, scary situation for good. He has allowed me to feel well enough to be a better wife and mother. And He gave us another son. I'm so thankful.
There were days when I thought I would die, and Austin would not have a mother. Yet, a year later, here I am. I realize that our lives are a vapor, and it makes each minute of breathing more precious. Children are a gift, no matter how they enter your life. I have experience loss and grief. It is hard knowing I will never be pregnant, never go through labor, never have a child formed by God in my womb. But I have two wonderful children who God knit FOR ME in another mother's womb. And that is a precious, amazing gift. Our of grief comes joy. A time for tears and a time for joy!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Showing Them Love
We heard a wonderful message this morning on the Greatest Commandment - Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. The preacher challenged us to look beyond ourselves and love those around us. I was challenged in a way I probably needed to be more than anything else... And here it is... As a person, I hate pain - physical, emotional, spiritual, all of it. I hate being in any kind of pain. I get tired of it. So rather than have pain, it has been easier for me to just say that I don't want to foster children anymore. I have even said I don't want to pursue another adoption for a few years.
But is that loving my neighbor? Is that having compassion, making a difference? Is that showing Jesus to a child in need? I don't think so. My pain is nothing compared to the children we have encountered.
Children are a blessing from God. No matter whether from my body or someone else's. Children are a joy. They make my life complete. My children make me smile. Even in the difficult, frustrating times of parenting, I enjoy it with my whole heart. And I am thankful for the blessings that God has placed in my life, even if they are there only for a time. (Not to say I will enjoy the pain of losing another child ever... but showing them love is so much more important than my hurting heart)
So all of that to say, maybe God isn't done with us yet. Maybe I shouldn't write off fostering and/or more adoptions just yet. Every child we can touch by being Jesus' hands is worth their eternity - there is nothing more precious than that. Pray for us as we see what God has for us in the future - it may be nothing, but touching one more child for Jesus this year is a huge gain for His Glory!
But is that loving my neighbor? Is that having compassion, making a difference? Is that showing Jesus to a child in need? I don't think so. My pain is nothing compared to the children we have encountered.
Children are a blessing from God. No matter whether from my body or someone else's. Children are a joy. They make my life complete. My children make me smile. Even in the difficult, frustrating times of parenting, I enjoy it with my whole heart. And I am thankful for the blessings that God has placed in my life, even if they are there only for a time. (Not to say I will enjoy the pain of losing another child ever... but showing them love is so much more important than my hurting heart)
So all of that to say, maybe God isn't done with us yet. Maybe I shouldn't write off fostering and/or more adoptions just yet. Every child we can touch by being Jesus' hands is worth their eternity - there is nothing more precious than that. Pray for us as we see what God has for us in the future - it may be nothing, but touching one more child for Jesus this year is a huge gain for His Glory!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Fearful
Sometimes it is easy to let fear overwhelm me... Not the greatest of Christian moments, I know. But the truth, none-the-less. After watching our little girl walk out our door never to hear from her again, I am so afraid that it will happen to us again with our baby.
A small run-down of the situation and why I feel slightly scared. July 6 was supposed to be the magic day where our baby was definitely turned into an adoptive placement. His parents would no longer have rights to him. But there was a slight glitch. And now we have to wait and pray until next month to see if these things worked out in our favor. Our case worker assures us that all there is to getting this done is more paperwork.
Even with those assurances, I am still concerned. My mind comes up with all kinds of scenarios. I just can't imagine losing our precious boy. Silly, probably? Just drawing on past experience, yes? Not trusting God? Definitely... But how I'm feeling anyway. I will be so glad when the next court date comes and we find out for sure that we are safe and secure with our two boys.
Having a baby has been fun! He is starting to walk seriously already. I keep not totally encouraging it because I've only had a baby for six weeks and I'm not ready for him to turn into a toddler. But it is fun to share these "first" moments with him since we have missed so many firsts in his life.
Austin is doing so well with the baby. He is learning to love him. He even asked the other day to go outside and wouldn't go unless the baby went too. So sweet!
We are blessed. If you pray for us, just pray for peace and a resolution to this current issue. I truly believe we will come out fine, it's just another waiting game, which is fairly normal for the foster/adopt process.
A small run-down of the situation and why I feel slightly scared. July 6 was supposed to be the magic day where our baby was definitely turned into an adoptive placement. His parents would no longer have rights to him. But there was a slight glitch. And now we have to wait and pray until next month to see if these things worked out in our favor. Our case worker assures us that all there is to getting this done is more paperwork.
Even with those assurances, I am still concerned. My mind comes up with all kinds of scenarios. I just can't imagine losing our precious boy. Silly, probably? Just drawing on past experience, yes? Not trusting God? Definitely... But how I'm feeling anyway. I will be so glad when the next court date comes and we find out for sure that we are safe and secure with our two boys.
Having a baby has been fun! He is starting to walk seriously already. I keep not totally encouraging it because I've only had a baby for six weeks and I'm not ready for him to turn into a toddler. But it is fun to share these "first" moments with him since we have missed so many firsts in his life.
Austin is doing so well with the baby. He is learning to love him. He even asked the other day to go outside and wouldn't go unless the baby went too. So sweet!
We are blessed. If you pray for us, just pray for peace and a resolution to this current issue. I truly believe we will come out fine, it's just another waiting game, which is fairly normal for the foster/adopt process.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Soapbox and other news
There has been a lot of talk lately about the Casey Anthony trial... And while I totally agree that it is egregious to hurt especially kill a child, I am also reminded how many children right here in my own county go through things too horrible to mention every single day. My children are included in that group... Sometimes I think we become so callous to the things that go on around us. We walk around in our own little bubbles not considering God's command to pray for the orphans among us. I am reminded this week that we need to PRAY and pray hard for those left to fend for themselves against adults who have lost all their morality and treat children in ways that maybe shouldn't even be mentioned.
Ok, off my soapbox. Things are going fairly well in our lives. We thought that our baby's parental rights termination hearing would be over yesterday. It isn't over yet. There are still some more paperwork steps that have to be completed. We have been assured that we are safe in regards to keeping him forever. But I am praying hard that it is true and that everything will be completed by this time next month. We couldn't officially adopt him right now anyway because we haven't had him for three months. I am just praying no glitches come to stop our adoption. Please pray with me on that.
We are so enjoying our boys. The baby has two teeth now and is taking steps every single day. Austin is learning to love him more and more each day. I enjoy watching their different personalities evolve. The baby is sleeping very well in his own room. And the boys have adjusted pretty well to being close to each other and being able to hear each other. I.e. they are sleeping if the other one cries which is a huge blessing to tired mommy!
Our house often looks like a tornado went off in it. 1200 feet of house is not seeming to be enough any more. We feel like we clean up all day long and it still looks crazy in here. But I am just glad to have my boys and can have a totally clean house later on in my life. It's not that big of a deal really. I try to stay up on it, but if the boys want me to hold them, or read or play, then that is more important to me right now.
I am amazed at how fast Austin is growing too. His vocabulary is so good now. He comes up with such off the wall things that make me smile. I enjoy him being able to communicate well. He is standing as tall as my waist now. I can't help but think how quickly time will fly until he is taller than me (not that it is a huge feat at my 5 foot 3 inch height). Potty training is still continuing a lot more slowly. He just doesn't appear to be ready yet. So we work on it a little at a time. When I see more progress of him understanding, we will push through it again. He is teething the top two molars and having a rough go of it. I feel so badly for all the pain my little guys are in with these teeth issues.
I am so thankful for the family God has blessed me with. I know I say that a lot. But circumstances could have been different and our boys may not have come home. I know God worked miracles in both our lives and our boys lives, and I hope to remain ever thankful for that miracle!
Ok, off my soapbox. Things are going fairly well in our lives. We thought that our baby's parental rights termination hearing would be over yesterday. It isn't over yet. There are still some more paperwork steps that have to be completed. We have been assured that we are safe in regards to keeping him forever. But I am praying hard that it is true and that everything will be completed by this time next month. We couldn't officially adopt him right now anyway because we haven't had him for three months. I am just praying no glitches come to stop our adoption. Please pray with me on that.
We are so enjoying our boys. The baby has two teeth now and is taking steps every single day. Austin is learning to love him more and more each day. I enjoy watching their different personalities evolve. The baby is sleeping very well in his own room. And the boys have adjusted pretty well to being close to each other and being able to hear each other. I.e. they are sleeping if the other one cries which is a huge blessing to tired mommy!
Our house often looks like a tornado went off in it. 1200 feet of house is not seeming to be enough any more. We feel like we clean up all day long and it still looks crazy in here. But I am just glad to have my boys and can have a totally clean house later on in my life. It's not that big of a deal really. I try to stay up on it, but if the boys want me to hold them, or read or play, then that is more important to me right now.
I am amazed at how fast Austin is growing too. His vocabulary is so good now. He comes up with such off the wall things that make me smile. I enjoy him being able to communicate well. He is standing as tall as my waist now. I can't help but think how quickly time will fly until he is taller than me (not that it is a huge feat at my 5 foot 3 inch height). Potty training is still continuing a lot more slowly. He just doesn't appear to be ready yet. So we work on it a little at a time. When I see more progress of him understanding, we will push through it again. He is teething the top two molars and having a rough go of it. I feel so badly for all the pain my little guys are in with these teeth issues.
I am so thankful for the family God has blessed me with. I know I say that a lot. But circumstances could have been different and our boys may not have come home. I know God worked miracles in both our lives and our boys lives, and I hope to remain ever thankful for that miracle!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Overwhelmed with Love
Sometimes I am just so overwhelmed by how much I love my children. I can't get pregnant, I will never, ever be able to carry my own child. And you know what - it's ok. It hurts sometimes. I wish I could, but I love my kids so much. What an amazing blessing God gave to us. He formed our kids in their mother's wombs and then He made the circumstances happen so that they would be put into foster care and come to us. We are truly doubly blessed in that regard.
I wish our kids didn't have such rough starts to life, but how could I be anything but amazed and thrilled by God's guidance in their lives and ours to bring us together. Our Austin is such an outgoing, fun child. Some might say he is too loud, but I am just in awe of his fun-loving personality. He loves with his whole heart. And that makes me so proud. I would never, ever change Austin's personality. He makes me smile every day.
The baby is so sweet and quiet. Totally different from Austin. We believe he is going to be a thinker. Isn't it neat how God puts personalities together that are so different but that work together so beautifully?
People have asked us how we feel about having African-American children in a white home. The answer, it totally doesn't matter. God brought our kids to us just as He does when he creates children in the womb of a mother. We know that we face some stigmas and our kids will feel it at some point. But they were CHOSEN by God for us. And that is special. We choose to look at it that way instead of focusing on their differences.
I have tried to be transparent on my blog. I know some people are following it as they begin their adoption journey. Many people adopt from other countries and have different race babies. I think it is fine. Really. Children need good homes. Period. I am so thankful for people willing to adopt. And I am thankful for all the people that support us in our adoption process.
Life has been rough the past few months for us. But I am just so thankful for how God has worked everything else. I am praying for my kids. Austin has really had a rough adjustment. He thinks that because we had a child who came and then left that he will have to leave someday. And that makes me sad. Our kids that we have now are ours forever. No one will take them from us. I am just praying that Austin feels that security again. It was a lot of change for his little heart to handle. I am thankful for his tender, loving heart.
God has blessed me with my children. I may never carry them in my body, but I most definitely will forever carry them in my heart!
I wish our kids didn't have such rough starts to life, but how could I be anything but amazed and thrilled by God's guidance in their lives and ours to bring us together. Our Austin is such an outgoing, fun child. Some might say he is too loud, but I am just in awe of his fun-loving personality. He loves with his whole heart. And that makes me so proud. I would never, ever change Austin's personality. He makes me smile every day.
The baby is so sweet and quiet. Totally different from Austin. We believe he is going to be a thinker. Isn't it neat how God puts personalities together that are so different but that work together so beautifully?
People have asked us how we feel about having African-American children in a white home. The answer, it totally doesn't matter. God brought our kids to us just as He does when he creates children in the womb of a mother. We know that we face some stigmas and our kids will feel it at some point. But they were CHOSEN by God for us. And that is special. We choose to look at it that way instead of focusing on their differences.
I have tried to be transparent on my blog. I know some people are following it as they begin their adoption journey. Many people adopt from other countries and have different race babies. I think it is fine. Really. Children need good homes. Period. I am so thankful for people willing to adopt. And I am thankful for all the people that support us in our adoption process.
Life has been rough the past few months for us. But I am just so thankful for how God has worked everything else. I am praying for my kids. Austin has really had a rough adjustment. He thinks that because we had a child who came and then left that he will have to leave someday. And that makes me sad. Our kids that we have now are ours forever. No one will take them from us. I am just praying that Austin feels that security again. It was a lot of change for his little heart to handle. I am thankful for his tender, loving heart.
God has blessed me with my children. I may never carry them in my body, but I most definitely will forever carry them in my heart!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)