Birthdays and Anniversarys

This week is quite the week in our household - a fun week to be sure! My fifth anniversary fell on Friday, and our baby turned two. Funny how those two things combined can cause some nostalgia.

Reflecting back on our marriage has been a good reflection. My husband has been a blessing to me in so many ways. I don't tell him enough certainly. He has been a stronghold through many things, especially this year. We have fun together, and I think that makes a marriage a good one. We enjoy being together. And of course, we are able to be serious and make those big decisions that need to be made for our family and for our children. I'm thankful for my husband and for how much he loves me and for how much he loves our boys.

We have had a lot of changes in our home this year. We went from three children back to two children with the loss of our foster child. And that is something that has affected all of us. Something that we haven't necessarily grieved yet or gotten over completely.

But in the midst of all of that we have the ray of sunshine - our baby boy, who isn't so much of a baby anymore - today he turns two! He is such a special little boy. He loves everyone, he loves to give hugs, he smiles and giggles at everything and is quick to respond to the things around him that make him happy. He has fit into our family completely without any reservations. This year for his birthday, he is our child, fully adopted with all of the rights, responsibilities and privileges of any child born into our family. That, my friends, is a good feeling. He is ours! Now and forever!

God has done wonderful things in these past five years. He has shown us ways to complete our family when we weren't sure how that would happen since medically "normally" it wasn't going to happen for us. Now, we have two beautiful boys who are ours completely with no state intervention. We are just an ordinary family with a three year old and a two year old living busy lives, enjoying almost :) every moment!

Celebrating a Year with Baby Number Two

One year ago today, our lives took a permanent change for the better - Baby number two was "born" into our family. On May 27, 2011, he came into our lives first as our foster child, seven months later, as our forever child. He has changed our world so much. He is such a happy baby. His smile is infectious to all those around him. He is so quiet that most times when he is being ornery you aren't even aware that he is :) which can be interesting! His favorite words right now are "Hi, Hi!" He loves balls and jumping. He is the most loving child, loves to cuddle, and hug and kiss. He is very tenderhearted.

God gave me my "baby" in him. He still looks like baby at almost two. He is small for his age and hasn't quite made it into little boy mode yet. He isn't talking much, just babbling. He is finally getting most of his teeth, but just recently. It is a gift really to have a baby this long. It's ok that he is turning into a little boy, it's time for that, but I've appreciated the extra time with a baby.

He fit into our family so well, adapting to all the changes so well. He and his big brother get along quite well and sometimes just like brothers :). He is willing to go with the flow no matter what goes on and is happy while doing it.

This child definitely was born in my heart, maybe not my body. But I cannot imagine life without him in it as a part of our family. He is in my lap as I write "helping" me.

Both of our boys are truly special hand-picked blessings from God! We couldn't have ever picked better for ourselves. This baby has given us so many reasons to smile. It has been a year of watching him grow and truly knowing the joy only a child can bring.

Five to Four

Life changes. A lot from one month to the next it seems. We are back now to being a family of four. And it hurts a lot. It was our choice, in the most technical sense I suppose. We were told we couldn't keep our daughter. And based on recent circumstances with my husband beginning to have seizures and my baby having problems - and most importantly, for the sake of the child - and her attachment to us, if they were taking her regardless, we felt that now would be the best time for it to happen so that she would not be so attached to us that she could not easily transition.

No matter the reasoning, it hurts. And unless you are in this situation, it is impossible to understand. A piece of me is gone. And will be forever I guess. Having to explain to my 3 year old where his "sister" went and why she isn't coming back, looking at her room, her things that didn't go, it's like a death, but she is still living, without me being allowed any contact or knowledge. Many people told us this was the best decision, and in my head, I know they were probably right, my heart knows no such thing. Will it catch up, maybe? Right now, I can't see tomorrow let alone the future.

We got taken off of the foster care and adoption lists because of my husband's illness. Right now, that is so ok with me, I can't even begin to express it. Time with my boys is the only thing that is beginning to be a balm to my soul. Adding another is just not what I want to do right now. Foster care - not something I see for our future.

So many things I could say, so many stories I could tell. This was not an easy placement as far as the foster care side of life went, the social workers, the visitations, ect. We have gone through things I wouldn't wish on anyone. Yet, for this child and for the months we had with her, it was worth it.

Pain is pain, no matter whether anyone can understand the pain or not, whether they believe it to be real or not, whether this was a choice or not. It was a choice we were forced into by the system more than anything. Again, not part of what I want to share here. We have had so many people who have support us and loved us through this time, and to them I say thank you. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for understanding that these are our children while they are in our home - this is a death to us. We grieve, but have no funeral, have no ending, and have no closure. Thank you for allowing us the time to talk or cry and be quiet. Thank you for understanding if nothing else - even if you don't understand, just allowing us to be as we feel we need to be to make it through each day.

And to our little girl: You will always be our little girl. No matter where you end up, you have a place in our hearts. We will pray for you as we have prayed for you for years, that will never stop. We will pray for your safety, for love for you, for acceptance, for a family, for salvation most importantly, for your steps to carry you to prosperity in life. May this time not be a detriment to your soul. May you always remember that you are loved here and may you find love where you are placed and know that this was a choice made outside of our hands. May you have grace as you experience changes and for the small things, may you sleep well, eat well, get along with those you are with, feel peace, be happy. We love you baby.

To my husband, you are going through some rough water - and I love you. We will make it! God has gotten us this far. It's been a rough few weeks. Huge changes have occurred. But we are learning to weather these storms. Be strong. I love you.

To my boys, please know you are ours, you are loved. You don't have to be afraid of leaving. I know life has been crazy the past few weeks and especially this week. But things will even out. Mommy and Daddy love you more than life. And we will do our best to make you feel secure through this transition. You are loved, don't forget.

The small voice of my child singing

I haven't blogged in so long, I just haven't had any idea what to say. It has been a bit of a dark time in my life. Yet, isn't it in the dark times when we need to find the light - even if it is just a pinprick? One of my dear friends, and a person I would consider a mentor encouraged me this week, in the rough times, to remember to look at the joys. So this post is about the joys. Maybe soon I will write about the darker time, it isn't bad to remember it, but today, it is remembering that in the moments where you feel God is silent - He speaks - sometimes through the small voice of your child singing.

The joy this week has been listening to my oldest son spontaneously burst into son singing "My God is So Great" and "I Am So Glad That Our Father in Heaven Tells of His Love in the Book He has Given," and so many other songs, and taking the time to realize that there is so much truth packed into what we might consider a children's song. And while he is singing it, the truth is seeping into his heart. And each song he learns and each verse he memorizes is moving him one step closer to knowing Jesus and going to Heaven. What greater joy is there than that?

Joy is seeing him tell other children that his Daddy's word is law "with both man and frog." Thank you Patch the Pirate. But again, seeing those little truths pop up in his conversations to other kids. Hearing him be a "big bother" to his siblings and watch him learn to love and guide in a way that I'm sure I did as a kid, whether it was appreciated by my little brother or not.

Watching my baby as he grows. Hearing each new word. Seeing his happy face, no matter how sickly he is - he still smiles. Sometimes we can learn joy from our kids. Seeing him learn to jump and try to jump every step he takes across a parking lot and wish that sometimes as adults we had the freedom to jump all the time just because we were so full of life and joy.

Seeing small victories in the life of our little girl. Having days of happiness without tears. Having good interactions between her and our boys. Seeing her utter joy at a birthday cupcake and small presents.

These are the things that life should be about. Yes, times are hard. Days are hard. Sometimes, our kids don't obey, and the whole day feels off - and we hear that voice singing "Angels we have heard on high." And we realize that we are making a difference, even a small one in our kids lives. We are giving them a chance to know Jesus, just as we were given the chance.

And, maybe the biggest lesson I have learned recently is, on the really rough days, where it seems like nothing is going right, my kids are disobeying, they have to be told over and over again, this is how I am to God. I don't obey. I don't listen. I have to be told multiple times. And yet, God in His steadfast love tells me as many times as I need to be told. He never gets angry. He restores the song to my heart and restores me to fellowship. These things are why we go through the bad days - to focus on all the good things - to have a song in our hearts, on our lips, and overflowing from our children.

Lessons from the movie "Courageous"

We watched the movie "Courageous" last night. Date night thanks to Redbox while we both worked :). But, all that to say, it was a fabulous movie. And really struck my heart. I wanted to share those thoughts in light of our foster care/adoption journey. It put a lot of things into perspective for me - one I needed after the stresses of this week. I haven't written anything about it. But this week was another week that I wouldn't want to repeat. Unfortunately, it may be something we repeat over and over. Thanks to some research and some God-placed contacts, we have more knowledge of how to handle the things we are walking through. But overwhelmed is not a big enough word to describe this week. Now, back to the movie. Here are some of my impressions. Hope they touch you as they did me.

It was stated that every child is a gift from God - and of course, I totally agree with this. Not being able to have my own children, and not even being able to be present at the births of the three I have, my children are GIFTS, no question of that. But in light of the gifts - we have to really focus on being thankful for the time that we have with our kids, not angry for the times that we missed. That is hard for me in a foster care situation, and even my adoptions. I am sad I don't know my kids birth stories, I'm sad I don't know when they walked or when they sat up. But rather than focusing on these things, I am going to choose to focus on the present and being thankful for each moment that I do have and the impact I can make TODAY.

It was stated that not having a father really affected one of the men in the movie. He said it had left scars that he hadn't been able to break for 37 years. That made me sad. How many children in the foster care system have neither father nor mother. How many are searching, wishing just for a family. I'm thankful for the husband I have - for the father he is to my children. I'm thankful that my children, Lord willing, will never have to grow up without a father, will never be the statistic of the kids that turn to drugs, alcohol, gangs, ect when they have no male figure present in their lives.

They also mentioned that what we teach our children and how we handle them today is the basis for how they will lead their families in the future. Wow, what a statement. That scares me. I know this to be true. I see in myself how much I do that my parents did whether for good or for bad. And I only have a few short years to impact my children and in actuality their children sometime in the future. This isn't a casual thing that we are doing. Parenting makes such an impact - for this life and for eternity. We don't have any eternal value in the things we do here - work, hobbies. But we have eternal value in the precious little lives of our children. To me, this was the challenge of the movie. Be courageous enough to buck the system of the world's values - show your kids Jesus. Give them things that are valuable enough that they can pass them on to their children. Model for them Christ so that when they are parents they then model Christ as well.

I would watch this movie again and again. I guess this is a plug for the movie. But so many truths packed into 2 short hours. And so many perspective changes that I saw I needed to change. I'm thankful for my kids - they are truly blessings sent from Heaven. Now may I go forward and parent them for the glory of the Almighty God!

M and M's

Martin Luther King, Jr day is a day I never thought much about - except it seemed like we always got a snow day on it in Ohio when I was in school (great for me since we never got it off as a holiday). Today, I think more about the holiday because of my kids. With my multi-colored specially from God family, I am thankful for the steps made to stem racial hatred - now if only more people would pick up the baton and be accepting of all races - especially families who are blended in this fashion.

People often don't like to accept what they can't understand - and to some people, understanding why a white couple would have black children is totally incomprehensible. We have had so many comments made about our kids. It makes me sad - my kids are special gifts given to us by God - and He didn't look at all our colors and decided we couldn't live together. In fact, having a "blended" family gives us a lot of great opportunities to teach our kids about people's similarities and differences. We like to use M and M candies - they are all different on the outside, but the inside is exactly the same in every single one, chocolate!

I greatly appreciate the people who are kind to us, who talk to the kids, who encourage us in our walk through this life. A smile to my kids is light in my heart! We are blessed with our kids, and I hope that as the world focuses today on less hate for the races that maybe some people will find it in their hearts to be accepting of families who are blended in color - not just black, many families have Asian or Indian children or Mexican children. Multi-colored families are families the same as any other, they just have more opportunities to discuss with their children how God made all of us the same on the inside - with a purpose to love and serve Him!

Watching for God

I'm so thankful to see God work in my life and the lives of my children. I look back on the events of the past week in our lives, and I am still overwhelmed at the things that happened. I still feel somewhat frightened, but more importantly, I still get chills because I saw my God come down and touch our home and our lives right in front of my eyes. And that gives me a renewed desire to have my God in EVERY part of my adoption, foster care process. Without Him, we are nothing and potentially we would have nothing. God is good, all the time. No matter what. Hard to swallow sometimes. But good to see in action.

I am also learning this week to pray specifically. God answered a prayer I had about a child this week, and He answered it the way I prayed. Now, I am praying for something more specific. It is nice to realize that we have a God who cares even about small details that may not matter to others.

Having a relationship with God as a mother has become more and more important to me as time goes. A good friend ran across the following devotional for mothers. It really hit a cord with me. Please read it. For me, it helped me to realize that my relationship with God isn't a check box. It is a process, one that goes throughout each day - in small moments of intimacy with my God. Wow, a huge thought especially after my unique experience of seeing Him work so dramatically this week. Intimacy with God while changing diapers, cleaning the floor, doing laundry. It's possible and unique for a mom and makes life so much richer!

Good morning, God, I’m so gra– (excuse me, God).
“You can have a snack after lunch.”

I’m so grateful for th– (just a second, God).
“Your shoes are in the laundry room.”

I’m so grateful for this time we ha– (sorry for the interruption, God).
“They’re there. Moooove things.”

I’m so grateful for the time we have together to– (God, I think we’ll have to continue this lat–).
“No, you are not old enough to change baby’s poopy diaper. I’M COMING!”

Complete sentences. What a luxury.

This was one of the first things my friends commented on when I suddenly became a mother through the miracle of adoption at the age of thirty-one. We used to spend hours talking each week about the great mysteries of life. I was a highly focused conversationalist - a sincere listener who was rarely distracted.

Now? Well, I am still a sincere listener – I am continually listening for the sounds and (of greater concern) the non-sounds of my three children whenever I am on the phone. Frankly, I think I miss half of what my friends say and it can take minutes to complete a single sentence if I do not forget what it was we were talking about in the first place.

In addition to giving me more empathy for those who live with attention-deficit disorders, this new chronically interrupted era of life has provided an opportunity for me to reconsider how I nurture relationships – with my husband, with my children, with my friends, and especially with my God.

Specifically, the new era revealed a weakness: I was too dependent on shared words, on well-formed sentences, on neat and tidy blocks of time.

The last dozen years have affirmed an encouraging reality: intimacy with God is not on hold, waiting for me to control my environment and carve out serene aromatic spaces. Intimacy with God is not on pause until I can complete sentences and listen without interruptions.

Each minute of every loud, distracting day is pregnant with potential for intimacy if I can simply and intentionally live it with God.

Being with God was – and still is – the first priority of a disciple’s job description:

Jesus went up on a mountainside and called to him those he wanted, and they came to him. He appointed twelve – designating them apostles – that they might be with him and that he might send them out to preach and to have authority to drive out demons. Mark 3:13-15

The Gospels record Jesus’ conversations and teachings. However, the printed page cannot convey what a 24/7 camera would have captured. Most of Jesus’ three years with the disciples was spent not in deep ponderings but in daily proximity. They simply experienced life side by side, walking together, sitting together, working together, and consciously being near one another.

Right now, this same Jesus is with us. With or without interruptions. With or without words.

As we awaken each morning, God issues us a personal invitation to intimacy.

Through the Valley

"Attacked by Satan? Of course he attacked! Adoption IS Grace in action, and God has used you to undo the consequences of sin and evil. When you risk a rescue from behind enemy lines, you should expect the enemy to retaliate. Jesus Himself wasn't immune from that effect. They hated Him first." A quote by one of our friends today that adequately describes our day.

I can't give details on my blog. But I will say we have been severely attacked by the Enemy. But our God showed up! He was hear, He was present, He was near! And that feeling, my friends, is calming, and truly amazing. God really can use anyone - even a child to do His bidding. Wow! Our God is bigger than our Enemy.

Trying to remember that - no matter how the events of this day play out in our future. We have a lot of decisions to make throughout the next few days. We love our precious boys and we have their safety to think about. We also have our own sanity to consider. Days like today are not possible to endure more than a few times in your life.

We have so much support around us. Thank you so much for the prayers given on our behalf sometimes when people didn't even know our situation. Our whole family - my husband, myself, and definitely our kids walked through the valley today. You think I am joking, but unfortunately, I am totally being truthful. I definitely do not understand how people who don't know our God make it through these scary encounters without Him. Seeing Him work humbles me. Thanking Him for His grace in our lives. Jesus wasn't surprised by our day, and He held us through it.

Adoption and foster care come with severe risks - none that you can't get through. But the decisions involve whether our boys deal with intense scrutiny or they live normal baby boy lives. It involves whether we continue to adopt or foster even. This is the largest mountain we have yet to encounter. We want to make sure that our God is first in our lives - and that we are not serving two masters. God's laws over man's laws. Not a hard choice but could have hard consequences when they come head to head.

Book Review "Wait No More"

Focus on the Family graciously gave me a free copy of "Wait No More," a book by Kelly and John Rosati detailing their journey through foster care adoption. Of course, in my situation, having adopted two babies and being a foster mom, this book really touched me heart. And on a more personal note, it really allowed God to work in my heart for me to be open to our third child that we now have. Amazing how God works in mysterious ways. I had no idea that doing a book review would soften my heart to the idea of another child - that we now have. Thus, my book review is a few weeks late. But here it is.

This is basically the story of a couple who could not have children. Through a series of events, they were led to begin foster care. They had several difficult experiences in the beginning and wondered if they even wanted to continue (I've been in that boat too). But they ended up adopting four children through foster care - each with different backgrounds, and different stores to tell - but now all loved in a forever home.

I found this to be a very upbeat book, really showing the good points of foster care; while being totally honest about the rough patches, this is something not many authors can do well. The book really makes your heart tug for the children needing homes. And it makes you want to do all you can to help them. I had thought I was done with children for a while. I read this book and God really started working on my heart about what else I could do. Literally the next day or two is when the call came for us to take another child.

This book really showed the role that God has to play in your adoption, and even your marriage as you go through the ups and downs of the adoption process. They showed the role of prayer in their adoption, through grief when losing children, and when presented with split second decisions on foster/adoption options.

I would recommend this book to anyone thinking about adoption through foster care. It is a clear picture of what adoption really looks like in the foster care system - the realities of what you will face. But it also shows the absolute joys that come with adoption and forever children!